This is me starting a blog for the purpose of updating loved ones on my condition as I am currently going through the lovelies of breast cancer. I have found that talking with others and sharing my feelings through this experience has really helped me get some things "off my chest" as I literally get things off my chest. Hopefully it will be helpful, insightful, and maybe we'll get a little laugh. Thank you all for your prayers and love. I feel so very blessed. DeLayne

Sunday, December 26, 2010

5th Chemo--A real Merry Christmas



Thurs., Dec. 23 was the scheduled date for my 5th chemo.  We were not super excited about that knowing the beginning of the hard days would fall on Christmas.  Still, we are well aware that one "hard" Christmas of chemo will hopefully allow me many more wonderful Christmases in the future.  And so, we were well prepared mentally for the occasion.  We made sure presents were bought and wrapped beforehand.  In fact, my wonderful neighbors have come in each week to help clean my home, helping in that capacity, and one great friend, Tawnie, stayed behind to help wrap gifts with me.  What a wonderous act of kindness that was as I, in turn, was able to focus on doing activities with my kids and create some fun memories.  Brendon took Jaxson and Bridger down with him on Dec. 20 to help coach the Lone Peak basketball team in a tournament in St. George (they won).  They had a blast for 4 days.  I stayed behind for fun with our 4 girls. My in-laws took us out to dinner, on the 20th-- always a treat.  We celebrated Millie's 3rd birthday on the 21st (we celebrated Bridger's superhero 7th birthday on Dec. 16th).  We had just had a big snow storm so we went sledding all day for her birthday topping the day off with a birthday/Christmas celebration at our good neighbors, the Lindley's.  That was a fun day.  Dec. 22, the girls and I, along with two cousins, decided to go ice skating.  They all did great.  Millie used a little ice walker freeing me up to take video and pictures.  Finished the day off with a trip to BYU bookstore and dinner with Granna.  It was a busy and quite fulfilling few days.  I know I was packing in the activities knowing I would be out of commission for the next few days.  Well worth it.
     Chemo day came Dec. 23rd.  I was ready.  Brendon's mom, my daughters, Brinley and Bailey, and my sister, Brandalee all joined me in support for my 5th chemo session.  They hooked my port up and drew blood.  Soon after I met with Dr. Bott.  We talked about my health.  Turns out my body is NOT in  good shape to receive the chemo right now.  The concern is my platelet and red blood cell levels.  I learned a few things.  I've been so focused on the white blood cell levels (the affects on my immune system) that I didn't realize that chemo is really affecting my platelet levels, the bone marrow, which is what controls the clotting of my blood.  I am at 43 and the target level needs to be 130-440.  My red blood cell level is low as well.  Everything is low which is to be expected to a certain extent but if levels are too low, it can be dangerous to proceed.   It is a reminder how brutal chemo is on our body.  I tried to protest exclaiming that I feel just fine.  But Dr. Bott reminded me that I do not want to end up with spontaneous bleeding inside and land in the hospital.  I have to admit that I was bummed.  I was mentally prepared and all planned for the next week of yuckiness.  This now pushes everything back one week and I just want to be done.  But then I remembered what a Christmas miracle this is!  Now I was able to feel fantastic for Christmas which I am so grateful for.  It WAS hard to walk out of there with STILL 2 chemo treatments left  but it has been a wonderful time with my kids and husband and I don't take that for granted at all!  We had Christmas Eve with my in-laws and Christmas Day dinner with my parents.  My mother-in-law, Judi had someone make awesome pajamas with the breast cancer ribbon and hearts pattern for all the girls in the family,  So darling and thoughtful!  We love them!
     So now, chemo will be this week, Dec. 30 just in time for Jaxson's 14th birthday on Dec. 31. (yes, that is 3 of our children with December birthdays.  That's how we roll around here).   We will be welcoming a New Year full of hope, only 1 chemo left and so much gratitude for life!  Thank you to amazing family and well wishers at this Christmas season.  We are especially thankful to remember the birth of our Savior.  It has been a very Merry Christmas!!!
#5 "fake" treatment support group
Judi (mom-in-law), daughters Bailey & Brinley

sister, Brandalee at #5 fake chemo


Christmas FHE with Gpa and Gma Dayton

Millie's 3rd birthday

Sledding for Millies 3rd Birthday

Christmas story at the Lindley's

DeLayne and my girls in our new Christmas PJ's


Jaxson, Brinley, Bailey, Bridger, Olivia, Millie in 2010 Christmass PJ's


#5 real chemo treatment support group--My mom, Jaxson (my son), Tricia (my sister-in-law)
#5 real chemo treatment




After chemo treatment with sister, Lareen, her daughter, Bethany, and sis-in-law, Tricia

















Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Family Night at Temple Square

Dec. 13 our family went up to stay at the Kimball hotel with my sister Charalece and her family.  We met at Crown Burger, kind of a tradition to eat there.  Yummy food but soon discovered not so good for my tummy during this time of my life.  I have learned I have to be careful with a few things I eat.  Greasy stuff especially.  We then returned to the hotel and walked down to temple square to see the Christmas lights.  It was a really fun night and very calm weather.  We spent the night at the hotel with kids sleeping everywhere.  Fun memory with cousins.  Slept in the next morning and took the kids to school just a little late.  We don't do that often but thought it would be a fun get away and Christmas memory.  Loved it!
     Dec. 15th Jaxson rocked out with his friend, John on their guitars duuring lunch hour at their Jr. High for "Battle of the Bands."  They call themselves "The Band."  They were awesome and are really good.  I was so happy to be there cheering him on with John's parents, Hollie and John.  We bought Jaxson his new guitar for Chritmas and gave it to him a little early so he could maximize his rock out!  Well done!
Dayton kids at Temple Square in SLC
Jaxson (left) and John--"The Band"

Monday, December 13, 2010

4th Chemo


My 4th Chemo was on Dec. 3, 2010.  All went well and normal.  After checking my blood they determined my levels to be low but that is expected and so they proceeded with the chemo.  I have a little singing group of just under 40 kids and our 1st performance was that very same night at the Festival of Trees.  Somehow when I scheduled the performance way back in the summer I didn't plan on cancer and chemo fell right on the same day as the Festival.  What do ya do? You just do it.  Chemo makes me feel quite yucky and tired right on the initial day so I was a bit worried about maybe getting a rest in before the night.  Turns out that wasn't to be.  With 5 of my own kids to get ready and making sure we got there in plenty of time, no rest was allowed.  I did not feel well but it turned out to be the best thing for me.  What a great distraction.  I didn't have time to focus on how lousy I was feeling.  I was able to focus on those great kids and all their families who came to watch and support.  Those kids were incredible!  They performed better than I have ever seen.  It was a blast to be a part of and I love them all!  I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to teach them a few Christmas songs to perform.  So Fun!  And of course the Festival of Trees is such an amazing event with a wonderful spirit of giving and love there.  My little group has performed a few more times this Christmas season but that Festival of Trees was our best.  I teared up in gratitude for a chance to be there and watch all their hard work performed so darling.  It was a blast!
     This 4th round of chemo was awful as expected but not as bad as the 3rd.  Just the normal bad week with two good weeks to follow.  It seems to take just a little more each time to get my giddy-yup back but it eventually comes and I continue trottin' again.  Once again, I am convinced the prayers of family and friends are heard by the Lord who has blessed our family with great days.  I have also been so grateful to one of my best friends since childhood, Ali Rae, who has made the effort before each chemo to take me to the temple with her.  My sister, Charalece, came this last time as well and we had such a great , peaceful experience.  We were reminded by the sealer that we go to the temple out of obedience and service, to renew the Holy Ghost in us, and now the Lord would consecrate our performance.  (2 Nephi 32:9).  We all left a little teary-eyed feeling the spirit witness that truth to us. It was a Good day.  

Monday, November 29, 2010

Thoughts

Had a fantastic thanksgiving with great people, lots of noisy kids,  and great food!!I have had some really great days since the chemo #3.  That was a tough one.  My dad explained to me that by the 3rd round my body's immune system is at it's very low and just has no fight left whatsoever so chemo's negative effects were more severe.  More nausea than ever, more debilitating fatigue.  Brendon was amazing.  During my worst day he ran our children here, there, and everywhere to get them where they needed to be.  It was absolutely crazy and I was helpless.  I do love him.  Family took over keeping our kids for overnighters in order to keep me free of illness.  Neighbors brought meals. Bless them all.  I have to say, it was quiet around here.  Normally that would be dreamy for a tired mom who may need a break but, though necessary, I was lonely and discouraged to be laying around feeling helpless, useless, ill and utterly, depressingly fatigued.  It is not in my nature and I do not like it.  Maybe this next round I will watch some uplifting Christmas shows to keep the spirits high.  I find myself anxious going in for chemo 4 this thurs. Dec.2.  Had a bit of a meltdown last night.  Brendon stopped what he was doing and just listened to me.  So great.  Knowing what's coming doesn't help and I sense that feeling of dread build up in me.  I also feel such pressure to get everything done beforehand knowing that I will be out of commission for a week or so.  Crazy, I know.  That doesn't seem like too many days but I feel like I just can't keep up with everything going on right now.  I am constantly playing catch up.  My kids activities, my  church calling, our families, scheduled appointments, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, and all the little things that come our way.  I lose touch with life outside myself.  But it will all work out.  The Lord has blessed me in ways that I know are personally for me.  I believe that.  We will get done what needs to be and the rest can deal with it.  Good days are ahead.  I do love eggnog and yummy breakfasts.  Some things to be grateful for.  Loves and Besos

Monday, November 15, 2010

Chemo #3

Chemo #3 brutal.  Am I too old to cry out for my mommy?  Tough weekend.  Worse than the first two chemos.  Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this.  Either I think of it as 3 down, half way done-YEAH! or.... I really just CAN'T do this three more times.  But I know when this week is over I will have some really great days to strengthen my gumption to gear up and do it again.  Thanksgiving should be good!  In the meantime, please pass quickly yucky chemo week.  I miss me.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Cancer Kindness

I often marvel at the realization that it has really only been about 2 months since the start of this crazy cancer adventure.  That is not very long to digest and wrap my brain around all that I have experienced and learned.  How life can come to a hault so quickly.  And yet I have gone through such an ordeal beyond what I could have ever imagined.  There is something I have noticed.  I feel me coming back to life slowly as I recover from my initial surgery.  I've been out and about more.  The love and concern from my dear  neighbors, friends, family who are women is always there and I can understand their support.  What has surprised me is the love and concern from the husbands of neighbors, friends, and family AND from total strangers.  When I walk down the hall at church or through my neighborhood, I am stopped by wonderful well wishers who do not pass quickly.  They stop and really talk to me with genuine concern in their eyes.  Heartfelt questions are asked on how I am holding up.  People hug me, hold my hand, pat my shoulder and listen.  Strangers feel an instant connection to me and want to be extra helpful in whatever I need.  One experience is especially memorable for me that happened this week. I was at a kiosk in the middle of the mall trying on a new hat.  I had taken my hat off to try the new one on.  My hair is just about gone and I look baldy.  A stranger quickly walked by me and comment, "You look really cute in that hat and you look really good without the hat too."  I was taken aback but managed to throw out a thank you as she disappeared.  So that's what it feels like....to receive a compliment out of the blue by a complete stranger and know they really mean it.  I like to do that to others because I always think that I would want to know if someone thought something nice about me.  Now I was on the receiving end and IT FEELS GREAT!  She may not know but she made my day, helping me feel a bit more confident.  Cancer really does bring out great kindness and compassion in others.   Compliment someone today for ANY reason at all.  It is a great feeling and you never know the good you can do!

Chemo brain

I have turned dumb....pretty dumb.
Somebody explained it to me.  It's called "chemo brain."  Happy to know it's not just me.  I knew there would be nausea, sickness, pain, etc. but I did not know I'd get dumb.  Chemo brain is a general foggy, fuzzy brain that can't seem to think right.  I do not retain information like before.  Difficulty with organization.  I often cannot think of a word I need to say so something random comes out instead.  I forget a lot.  I never get my children's names straight (well honestly, that was an issue before--I have 6 of them for heavens sake and there's a bunch of "B" ones).  I have trouble remembering past experiences.  I've had my issues before for I know I'm not the brightest bunch in the group (don't get me started on that Geography stuff) but this is really different and it is strange.  We just laugh about it.  Oh well, at least I've still got my health....Oh yeah, well at least I still have my good looks....Okay... that may be debatable--in fact I just had to ask my husband how to spell debatable.  Yeah, I can't spell anymore either.  Chemo brain at work.  Oh well, I know I got something...I just can't make my brain think of what it is right now.:)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Head Shaving Party!

Here we go....

Tonight I decided to go ahead and shave my head.  This was a hard decision for me.  I still have a lot of hair.  In fact, Dr. Bott couldn't believe I still had so much hair.  Same with the ladies at chemo.  The good thing is that my hair is already so short.   But, it is falling out like crazy.  It is shedding all over my pillow and comes out with great ease just running my hands through it.  I have to blow dry it over the bath tub to catch the falling hair but it still gets everywhere.   Now my scalp is quite tender as well.  It feels like someone is pulling my hair with a sunburned scalp.  Not very pleasant.  So, I figured it was about time. I knew some family wanted to be there for the whole freak show hair shaving thing so I decided to make a little party out of it.  I ordered some breast cancer pink ribbon donuts specially made and dipped in pink frosting and had pink and chocolate milk.  I was committed.  However, as people began to show they too couldn't believe how much hair I still had.  I started second guessing myself thinking maybe I should just go as long as I can and keep my hair.  But I already got the donuts, people were coming, plans were made.  What do I do now?  I recognize now a little bit of panic to the upcoming change going on.  I had to remind myself how much hair was coming out and what a mess it was making everywhere.  I was ready to do this.  I let anyone who wanted to come and tug out my hair.  It is quite fascinating how easy it pulls out.  A little freaky buy funny too.   Bit of a sensitive head but not too bad.  Mostly just kids who took me up on that.  Brendon got a good 'ol yank.  I felt that.   And then, with family, friends, and neighbors, and lots of wide-eyed kids gathered round, Brendon began the shave.  We decided to have a little fun so he shaved the sides first leaving me with a sweet mohawk for a picture or two.   Then it all came off.  Just a buzz.  Little by little.  Buffy, my sister-in-law and my personal greatest hairdresser, helped to clean in up a bit and shave the pink ribbon symbol in my hair.  I was feeling pretty good about everything, Ok....slightly freaked, but I was holding it together well until I looked up and saw my dad's face as he began to tear up.  And then, I lost it too.  The water works began to fall.  I wasn't really sad as much as  maybe just reacting to the whole change of everything.  The love and support of this whole group of people was overwhelming to me.  I was a bit embarrassed as they all stood in a semi circle around me with their anxious expressions.  But, when it was all over and done with, the compliments flew.  So much support and love and wonderful expressions given.  I decided that is why we include people in our moments of trial and difficulties.  I was filled with love and confidence from all.  Although, I did wonder many times what was REALLY going through their heads (like...."what has she done?" or "Oh, the horror of it all!").  I felt like a celebrity with all the flashing lights from their cameras to capture the crazy moments.  All in all, I can't believe I did it, it feels different, but good and I am OK with this change.  Just another part of this whole cancer process.  I am confident that is because of such amazing support and love from everyone.  Thank you for taking your Friday night plans to spend it with us.  Finished the night off by going to a movie with Kenn and Allison and the kids.  What a great night for me.  So good to laugh and feel happy!
pulling out my hair--oooo, so fun!
Baldy love!
yummy donut treats
my best look yet
who do I look take more like now?  love u mom & dad!


love my Bluth sissy's!

Love my Dayton sissy's!
mugshot skin head club members

Thursday, October 21, 2010

2nd Chemo Treatment

Today was my 2nd Chemo treatment.  Earlier this week I cried in anxious anticipation for today knowing full well what is coming.  Actually, I expected worse after talking with a few people who have gone through it themselves which, of course, only heightened my anxiety even though I am glad to be maybe a little better prepared.  I have felt so good these past few days that I feel sad to lose that and nervous for what may hit.  However, today, I have felt calm.  Ok, honestly I was a bit chatty and wandered around all morning trying to stay busy.  I could sense a bit of nervousness.  Today Brendon, my sister Lareen, and my good friend Michaun Muir came to support me during chemo.  We went in at 11am, waited for a bit, got my port hooked up, then saw Dr. Bott.  He is really wonderful.  Everything looks fine and on track.  He really put some of my concerns to rest, reminding me that everyone reacts differently to chemo and are on different chemo meds so it is difficult to make specific comparisons.  After meeting with him, they hooked me up.  The medication round is, first, the anti-nausea drug, then Benadryl which helps counter any allergic reactions to the chemo drugs.  This drug always knocks me out and makes me feel woosey.  I no likey.  Then the Taxotere chemo med starts followed by Carboplatinum and then finished off with Herceptin.  Each one takes a certain amount of time to complete.  The whole appointment time lasted 4 hours but the actual chemo treatment was about 3 hours.  Better than last time.  Once the affects of the Benadryl wore off a bit I was pretty alert and enjoyed visiting with Lareen and Michaun while Brendon did some appraisal work.  He usually sits and observes quietly.  I am so glad to have a support system come with me.  It puts me at ease and makes it much more pleasant.  Thanks for spending your time with me!  Have made some friends at chemo too and always glad for the friendship and support of Linda Shattuck, her daughter and Jill Olsen.  Linda had her last treatment.  She has been very helpful to me and I am grateful for that.  Thanks to my other sister, Charalece for bringing us lunch.  Turned out to be a much better experience than my first chemo.  Almost as enjoyable as chemo could be!:)  I drove home feeling good and calm, that everything would be fine.  I can tackle this, at least I will try to be brave.
My awesome chemo support group
Went home and slept most of the day away. A little yucky in the tummy and really tired but functionable.  So grateful to be feeling pretty good.
Michaun, me, Lareen

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Gestures of empahty

I feel so great today.  Cooked chicken noodle soup and got my three youngest ready for the ward primary Halloween party, along with myself.  Yes, I LOVE to dress up and it is quite silly.  I bought a red devil's costume on a super sale last year just for fun.  I wore that (sorry Heavenly Father--I still totally CTR!).  Our ward is amazing and the kids are fantastic.  I was able to sit with the awesome Beehives to handle the face painting tables.  So cute.  I was full of happiness and energy.  Really crashed with exhaustion when I got home but perked up again with a visit from our good neighbor/friend and my great nephew and nieces, Lindon, Brittany, and Kelly who brought a yummy peach cobbler and ice cream.  They made me laugh.  Good to feel happy and feel a little more calm the night before chemo.  My kids were awesome and looked adorable and I love being with them and Brendon.  My most favorite part of the evening was talking with my good neighbors Jen Franke and her son, Jason who went through cancer and chemo etc. as a young boy.  He is now a handsome teenager.  We spoke a bit about his experience and how his mother felt about it too.  As Jason was on his way out he made sure to come over to me, take my hand and wish me good luck tomorrow with my chemo.  He had the most sincere, honest, humble, genuine look on his face.  I was absolutely taken aback. So appreciative.  His tumor was on the back of his brain and he was just a kid.  I know what he went through was far worse than I but his mom said it does not matter.  Cancer is awful for anyone.  This is true.  Still, his small gesture, as one who really knows so well and offers such empathy, absolutely pierced my heart and I felt so grateful for him.  It really calmed my spirit.  I always had a soft spot in my heart for that kid.  The first time I watched him pass the sacrament after all he had been through brought tears to my eyes.  Who knew how years later we'd be connected.  We are in the cancer club together now.  You never know how our experiences can help to buoy up another in a time of need.  Thanks Jason.  Thanks to everyone who has shown love and concern on my behalf.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Well and whole

One of my greatest friends when I was a kid and still now, Ali, called me up to go to the temple with her this morning.  We went to perform initiatories.  I am so grateful for the blessings promised us.  I am grateful for the peace and calm wellness I felt there.  I am grateful for the reminder.  So good to talk with you, Ali.  We have some great empathy for one another's struggles.  Strengthened me a lot.  This was something I needed as I am heading into my 2nd chemo round this Thrus.  I have heard a lot of terrible things about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th treatments.  I don't know what to expect.  I am so grateful for this time around where I felt almost normal and was free of nausea, pain, and could function and feel happy.  I have described it like standing in the middle of the road, knowing a huge truck is coming around the corner fast and I cannot step out of the way.  So I just wait there and worry how much it will hurt.  I know I have to have chemo.  It's just not knowing what to expect the few days after but knowing it will hurt.  But each day I feel good is such a blessing that I am trying harder to be very present in my life and not worry about what is inevitably on it's way.  Now that it is almost here, let's just do this thing and hunker down for a few days then get on with the happy, feeling good parts again.  Sometimes it overwhelms me but again, I look to concentrate on the now for now and thank the Lord EACH day MANY times a day for the chance to feel well and whole....ish.  That is great for now.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Smiles at walmart

Got up to feeling good today and decided I needed to keep my girls home with me.  My dearest neighbors have set up a rotation for my two youngest girls to go and play at different homes each day as I adjust to the side effects of chemo.  So gracious of them and I don't know what I would do each day without their support.  Plus my girls love it.  Anyway, I do miss them and I miss our normalcy at times.  So I had them with me and decided I would venture to Walmart for the first time grocery shopping since August.  Brendon and moms have been wonderful to help.  It was time for me to tackle it again.  I found myself smiling through the aisles with my cute girls.  I dare say I may have skipped a time or two.So happy to be grocery shopping and feeling normal again.  With the exception that I was occasionally worried about germs.  Yes, I have turned into that kind of a worrier.  Still, I find myself quite content to be living my life.  And cooking again.  Two soups on the menu this week.  Sure has been nice to have meals brought in and one less thing to stress about but my ward sisters need a break from time to time.   This will be a long process.  Happy Walmart shopping with your kids to all!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Hair loss anxiety dreams

I know I will lose my hair.  My doctors gave me no hope or indication contrary to this.  I'm Ok with this.  Very much so.  I know it is all part of the process and it will grow back, I'm pretty sure, more illustrious and ever flowing than before.  However, my subconscious is obviously thinking about as I had a dream  This was my dream.....Hair began to come out in clumps.  Called Brendon and said maybe it was time to shave it off.  Word got out and all of a sudden, the whole neighborhood begins showing up like zombies hanging around for me to shave it.  I told them it was not happening today since I still have hair sticking.  They came back again the next day, people selling things, the streets blocked off.  It was like a carnival crowd waiting for the freak show.  I barricaded myself in my house.  Looked out the window to see one little neighbor girl, Jocelyn Bybee, had started to shave the top of her hair in support of me only to find I was not doing it yet so she looked like a clown with a shaved top and flowing hair mid head down.  She was not happy with me.  It was a very stressful situation and I woke up from this dream feeling very pressured.  Yes, people do ask if I am losing my hair yet.  It's only been a week.  Cut me some slack.  I see more hairs lost on Brendon's pillow than on my own.  Now THAT is worrisome.  Poor guy.  I do feel that pressure, though.  What if it doesn't come out and everyone is so disappointed?!:)  Doctors told us between day 14-17.  Oh, it's a comin' folks and it's gonna be sweet!  Brush up on your billiard ball jokes cause I gotta laugh so I won't cry.  It's a comin' and it's gonna be a beaut!

Welcome to Germophobia-land

Started feeling good one week after chemo only to catch a not so lovely cold from 3 of my kids who got ill over the weekend.  Or maybe it was from going to the BYU game on Saturday but it couldn't have been from there because we won!  Anyway, it's miserable but not sure how to avoid get sick when my immune system is shot and I do have these 6 little things living in my home--my kids.  Kids are disgusting, let's just be honest here.  Suddenly I am forced into the germaphobia world of which I was quite foreign too but am now their biggest supporter.  I am suddenly aware of germ targets everywhere.  I gotta stay healthy as possible during these chemo days.  How to do that is the question.  Well, we are washing up and germXing up and covering mouths and lysoling down and cleaning.  The only thing I have not done yet is completely secluded myself from all life force.  Not sure I can do that.  Anyway, I now welcome me to this club as well.   And thanks Dad, for al the supplies.  We are loaded up with the defenses.  AhhhhChooooo...gimmee germX!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The wrath of chemo

It was my understanding that the day of and after chemo I would feel fairly OK and the effects of the chemo medications would hit about the third day.  How true that was.  Brendon and I even went out to eat with his BYU work crew at Texas Roadhouse on Fri. night.  So delicious but I sure paid for that chose of food the next day.  Saturday...it all hit.  I woke up ready for General Conference and feeling pretty good.  Decided to fold a little laundry.  I thought to myself that just maybe my experience may be better than others and I might not react too badly to this chemo deal.  I spoke too soo.  About one hour 1/2 later I was doubled over in horrific pain and nausea.  It was a miserable feeling.  Bone and muscle pain, constant trips to the restroom, and just an overwhelming yucky feeling.  I remember Elder Edgley talking about have faith and courage through trials, that some of his most difficult trails became his best learning experiences and where he found joy.  Something like that cause I was in and out of the room trying to deal with the pain.  But I remember feeling frustrated that I did not have enough faith and was not finding any joy at the moment.  I'll have to read his talk later when I am in a happier place.  Conference was absolutely comforting but I sure was miserable for those two days.  Mon. did not lighten up much but I remember the debilitating fatigue that hit.  I just did not want to do A thing.  Couldn't do a thing.  I laid on my bed hardly able to pick up my head.  I had no giddy-up in my saddle.  No zippidy in my doo-dah.  I really miss me.  It was depressing to feel that way.  I felt exhausted tues but got up on wed. to take a little walk only to be exhausted again that afternoon.  The nausea just sticks around the whole time but it is manageable.  I just feel crummy.  But, Thurs. came and Yippee I felt great just like that.  So about 1 week or less or miserable 'aint too bad if I can enjoy some days of wonderful.  Crazy journey!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

1st day of chemo!!!

Today was a day that seemed so far off....I secretly dreaded but am actually glad to have started so we can get this thing goin' and over with.  Very nervous.  Wondered what the poke of the port would feel like as well as the chemo in my body, or how I would feel after and over the next few days.  Appointment time was 9:45 a.m.  Brendon and my mom joined me.  We were prepared with drinks, reading materials, movie etc.  I was very interested in distracting myself.  In the chemo room at American Fork hospital is a circle of lazy boys all in a circle with regular chairs for our guests.  Looks like chemo patients are the guests of honor.  It was a busy morning.  Waited just a bit before they hooked my port up.  Felt a little needle poke and it was done.  Not so bad.  They drew blood and we waited.  After a while, the nurse came over to go over the chemo medications and what to expect.  The day before (wed.) Dr. Bott decided to go with a different chemo regimen for my case after discussing it further with my surgeon, Dr. Jennifer Tittensor.  They discussed me in their tumor seminar that morning as well with various doctors who all felt it t be the best course.  We are going with what is called TCH.  These chemo drugs are called Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin.  I will now go in for 6 total rounds of chemo once every 3 weeks. Before it was 8 times every 2 weeks.  I think this is great news.  We will still be done around the same time (Brendon has figured it to be about Jan.10ish). but now there will be more time in between treatments to build up my white blood cell counts.  That means more time to build my immune system in between which apparently will be shot.  That will be interesting with 6 kids.  We are determined to be careful and are training our kids.  We are stacked with face masks and hand sanitizer thanks to my dad.
Anyway, so we began the chemo session.  First they start me with an anti-nausea medication which is such a blessing and has come along way in helping chemo patients fight horrible nausea.  Then they administered  benadryl in order to off set any allergic reactions to medication.  Once that kicked in, I was woozy and a bit out of it tired.  I did not like that feeling.  I am too sensitive to medications.  So, I just closed my eyes and tried to rest.  So much for my reading and movie idea.  Put my snuggie (thanks Tricia) over me and nodded off.  Figured out that next time I need music.  So, for a while I was a bit out of it.  Then all of a sudden I felt like the insides of my body were on fire.  I started to sit up and thought I was going to throw up.  My mom noticed my face and chest turning beat red and redder and redder.  I started to cry a tiny bit not liking that feeling at all and trying to get a grip on myself at the same time wondering why everyone else was doing just fine and not wanting to lose it in front of the whole group.  My mom called over the nurse who quickly turned off my drip and flushed me our with some saline.  I immediately felt better and so relieved.  So we started over placing the drip on low and gradually building which meant that the process took a lot longer.  I was Ok throughout the rest and was able to watch a movie to pass the time.  Charalece, my sister showed up to sit with us which was great.  Today is her birthday and I hoped to spend time with her and go to lunch after my chemo but it took too long so she and my mom, dad, and sisters took her out and brought Brendon and I halibut from Magleby's Fresh afterward.  I was hungry and it tasted so yummy.  My taste buds were slightly altered, I could tell, but it was still so good.  My radiologist, Dr. Clarke, came in to visit with us which was so nice.  We won't see him until after chemo but he wanted to check up on me.  He told me that he was glad to hear that I am HER2 positive which means I have a fast acting cancer (not good) but it responds so well to the cure that the Herceptin drug provides.  I will come in for the Herceptin drug every 3 weeks for one year.  We have the best team of doctors around and feel so much caring and confidence in their treatment plan for me.  All in all, I saw patients come and go until I was the only patient left in the room.  Total time was 6 hours which seemed quite long (we were expecting 2).  Guess my body does not respond well to poisonous chemo meds being injected into it to kill cancer.  Who knew.  I'm too delicate.  I felt quite tired afterward, came home and took a nap but was fine by 7:00 p.m.  Meanwhile, I held up in my bedroom while Brendon helped all the kids with dinner, clean up, homework, and bedtime.  My mom and Brendon's mom and Brinley helped with a project for Bailey.  Brendon is the greatest.  I felt so guilty for hiding away and hope he does not get burned out too quickly.  But I know I need to keep myself as healthy and rested as possibly to fight this.  Brendon has stepped up his game plan too.  He really understands what needs to happen almost better than I.  I love him and am so grateful for his fierce loyalty in every way during this whole process.  So thankful to have him with me today as well as my mom and Charalece.  Brendon's birthday is tomorrow, Oct. 1st (41).  We are hoping to go out to Texas Roadhouse with his work since our understanding is that I will feel OK today and tomorrow but Sat-tues. may be a little yucky.  Who knows what to expect.  I did not love today's experience but it was not so bad.  Anticipation may always be worse.  One down and 5 to go.  That doesn't sound so awful.  Thank you to everyone for your concern and prayers.  Sometimes I still cannot believe this is happening.  But we are a goin' now.  Love you all.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I love hugs!!!

Went to church today and sang with my 5 sisters and mom in sacrament meeting.  We sang, Abide With Me, 'Tis Eventide which I picked out because it is so beautiful and very real for me right now..  I can remember two times in my life when I have really remember calling on the Lord for help.  Once was in the MTC when there was so much change and pressure going on and of course, during all this cancer deal.  I have plead to the Lord so many times in every way and situation.  And now that I have had some anxiety issues after surgery, I have found that I enjoy the daytime much better than night and need the Lord's help to get me through.  Anyway, I always love to sing with my sisters and mom and try to whenever Audralyn comes in town from Texas.  Great to see everyone and go to YW's to see my girls.  I love them.  I was literally exhausted when I came home.
Two neighbors, Dan Arbon and Mark Simmons, brought over some berry pies for us to taste and judge on.  A lot of pressure.  Raspberry and triple berry.  They were so different and both delicious so how do we judge that?  We have decided to tell them individually that they both won and hope they don't talk to one another.  We'll see if that works.
One thing I have noticed is how much of a hugger I was before all this because I sure notice a difference now.  I MISS HUGS!!!  Now I have to do the side hug and very gingerly at that.  A frontal hug usually is careful and distant.  I admit that boundaries are hard for me.  There is definately a boundary around me of protection.  Bummer.  I am going to hug the heck out of people when this is all over with.  So get ready world!!!  Good day!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

PET scan results and oncologist news

This has been a brain overload of information day.  Lots to digest and contemplate.  The best news we have heard for a while is that the PET scan was clean.  No cancer detected elsewhere in my body.  That is a huge relief for that is one more battle we don't have to fight.  We celebrated and hugged and "whoo-hoo'd" for we'll take any little goodness comin' our way.  Still, having been blindsided before as a result of my naivete and "Oh, it's no big deal" kind of attitude, I have learned that I need to up the reality check and get all the facts first.  That's a good idea.
We met with our wonderful oncologist, Dr. Bott today.  He took care of my grandma Bacon when she had cancer and even remembered her name.  I was impressed by that.  He was extremely informative and I immediately felt comfortable with his direction of care for me.  Here is what we have learned today.

First of all, breast cancer is very common--1 in 7 or 8 women.  So it is very treatable but varies, of course.  Dr. Bott said I have probably had this cancer in me for 5-7 years, growing aggressively.  Shocking.  Ladies, be aware of your bodies and be proactive!  I did not feel a smidge of sickness to indicate that cancer was in there.  Cancer is tricky.  Luckily, I easily felt the lump.  We learned that about one million cancer cells can fit on the end of a pen tip.  The other end of the pen, the clicker part, is about the size a PET scan is able to detect.  Still, great but not 100%.  There could still be microscopic cancer cells lurking around.  Thus, the chemotherapy and radiation treatments are done to try and catch those naughty little buggers that may be lurking about.  Some more great news is that by proceeding with chemo/radiation, the recovery rate for me is 88%.  Yeah.  I plan on doing that.  You know... recovering.  We also learned that I am more susceptible to other cancers now, especially ovarian cancer since my cancer is an estrogen positive cancer which is not good since that is more aggressive but is good because it is more responsive to treatment.  The kicker here is that I could get breast cancer somewhere else in my body and it is still called breast cancer which I thought strange because that is why I had my double mastectomy--to eliminate that problem.  But if a little cancer cell guy slipped out before the surgery, well there you have it.  that is what happened to our Aunt Sue Dayton, bless her loving soul.  Love you A. Sue!  But, we will focus on the here and now.  We spoke briefly about a medication to take for 5 years to combat the estrogen dealio or talked about removing the ovaries after chemo/rad. are finished.  We are considering that option, though scary and weird and I now fear surgeries but it seems like the wisest choice for me.  I've got me these 6 fantastic children, what else do I need those little ovary suckers for?  Off with their heads I say!  Actually, I'm sad for that but we do what we gotta do.
So....Chemo treatment is set to begin in about two weeks, Sept. 30.  Happy Birthday to Charalece on that day and Brendon the next, Oct.1st!  We go in for the Port surgery the Fri. before (nervous, nervous).   Looks like I will have 8 chemo treatments every two weeks.  I should be done in 4 months--just into the Happy New yearish.  We then expect a month of recoup and then begin radiation which will go about every school day.  We expect to be finished in the Spring with the chemo/radiation route.
Side effects of chemo.  Apparently there are some great new drugs that have really advanced the side effects of chemo--especially the nausea.  They hit me with the chemo one day, about a two hour process, then I should feel OK that day and the next with the steroids still in me (there go my chances of making Olympic history with those strict steroid testing rules now), but the nausea and fatigue will hit about the third day for a bit until I gradually feel good again just in time for the next round.  Of course, that is a general and varies for each individual.  Many women go on about their lives just fine and dandy which I more than expect to do.  They say I will most likely react a lot like I did in first trimester pregnancy.  I can't complain about that.   Not too bad.  I can still boogie down easy. Again, lots of info and still unknown for my circumstances but it gave us some good indications of what to expect.  They used lots of fancy, smart medicine word names of the type of chemos and treatment I will receive.  I'm confident in the direction we are heading.  A bit overwhelming but I am ready to get this going.
So, we begin here soon.  We should have all this up and running and look to about a year to be done.  10 years cancer free is what we shoot for but it is something we'll have to monitor for the rest of my life.  And so, I became friends with Dr. Bott right away since we will be seeing each other quite often.  They called me "DeLayney" at first and asked if that was correct.  I said that is what all my good friends called me so...sure.  Dr. Bott is on the "DeLayney" name call basis.  My family mentioned to him that I am looking forward to auditioning for the role of Miss Hannigan in Annie at the Scera this coming spring and he said to go for it.  We got to talking about what shows I have been involved in.  Turns out he saw me play Mrs. Rosie Brice in Funny Girl this past summer and remembered me.  I thought it was a bonding moment for us.
Brendon feels much relief.  I could see the worry in his eyes as he drilled question after question.  He asks some good things.  I'm so grateful he has been by my side throughout this whole process.  I love him and could not be any more blessed.  And grateful my parents were there with us as well to educate themselves on my situation and offer support.  We had some incredible friends of Brendon make our day!  Thank you.  I needed that for him.  Thanks Matt & Amy for the visit and the scotcheroos.  Brendon needed that for him too.:)  Thank you to everyone for the dinners, treats, phone calls, emails, gifts, smiles, prayers, love and so much more.  We are so fortunate.  Good to have many questions answered and a game plan worked out.  Love you all.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Good day for some Family, Friends, Pride & Prejudice

After the PET scan experience of yesterday, I felt hammered today.  I was in so much pain this morning.  Maybe from the changes from yesterday.  Couldn't shake the exhaustion and a bit fuzzy in the head. So I laid around in my bed and sat outside most of the late afternoon and evening.  I have so wanted to be surrounded by my sisters and mom so I called them to come watch a movie.  Jen, Crystal (neighbor friends), and I have planned to watch the A&E version of Pride & Prejudice for months now and felt that my recovery time was the perfect occasion...all 8 hours.  But we will have to do that little by little.  so great to have family and friends all piled on my bed, in chairs, and my cute new red love seat in my bedroom just to keep me company.  I felt so happy despite the foggy head and lack of energy.  Such a wonderful way to pass the time.  And Pride & Prejudice just makes me feel good.  Thanks for the company of my loved ones.  Thanks to others who came to visit.  Hollie brought over some darling hats she made for my days of baldness.  So thoughtful.  Good friends brought treats, food, and sent flowers.  Dad took Mom out to lunch for a break.  She has been staying over for a week now, except the weekend, helping with everything imaginable.  She is amazing and has completely taken over my care and the needs of my family, along with Brendon.  I love you mom, so much.  Brendon's mom has also been so helpful,  I appreciate them both.  Anxious for scan results and meeting with oncologist.  Grateful for moments of laughter and bonding.

Anxious weekend

This past weekend was a rough on for me.  This weekend our kids were fanned out to relatives homes for some fun sleep overs (thank you Pratte family, Chris Dayton family, and my nieces, Brittany & Kelly) leaving Brendon and I alone for two "date nights" at home.  We thought we'd watch some movies and read and just relax.  Friday night turned out OK, went to bed late and had a nice visit with a sister and her husband.  Saturday was filled with a few fun soccer games and then we found ourselves alone again.  As night time approached, I found myself making myself busy with a bunch of nonesense.  When went to bed watching TV to tire us out but I could not sleep.  I felt so tired but let the hours pass as Brendon snored frequently beside me (I just knock him).  1 and 2 am didn't seem so bad but around 3:30 I started panicking.  So tired.  I just worried about everything.  Worried about the dark, the silence, if I would wake up, if I would be comfortable, if I would have pain in the morning, if I would fall asleep but wake up and not be able to fall asleep again, if I would get too hot or too cold, that there would be nothing on TV for me to watch and I'd have to sit with my thoughts.  There were too many thoughts and they would not go away.  And I repeatedly got up to use the restroom.  Anxious about upcoming appointments and scans and procedures.  At 4 am I knew I was in trouble.  Got up to walk around.  By 5:30am I was uncomfortable and officially freaking out.  I sat up and began to hysterically cry thus waking up Brendon.  I bolted out of my gorgeous room to escape what I felt to be so confining.  I had to get out of the house.  Cabin fever.  I cried and paced around majorly sleep deprived with hot sweats, ringing my hands wondering why I was freaking out as Brendon watched helplessly wondering how to help me.  We walked around the cul-de-sac while I tried to get myself together.  Attempted to go back in the house but it felt too hot abd boxed in.  I couldn't get it under control.  We attempted another walk a little farther just as the sky began to lighten and I freaked out about losing a whole nights sleep, knowing that could not be good for me.  Finally, utterly exhausted & having received a blessing from Brendon, I drifted off about 7:30am until about 9:30.
Sunday morning my dearest neighbor, Nancy and her friend Jack brought over a lovely brunch to eat out on our back patio.  It was so nice and a great change of pace and great conversation.  Spent the day walking around in a daze and sitting outside visiting with good neighbors.  The anxiety began as the sun started to set.  I recognized the useless busyness as I nonsensically began to pace.  The hot sweats and feelings of being boxed in and inability to even walk in my bedroom.  I knew I was in for another anxiety-filled night and I bean to cry.  Mom and Dad showed up to talk me through it and spend the night to offer their support and help.  Drifted in and out (mostly in) until I bolted at about 2:30 am.  Walked around cul-de-sac until Brendon came out to join only to be replaced by my greatest of a mother so that Brendon could get some sleep for his early work meeting.  We walked around, sat outside until we froze, talked until it got too hot, went back outside, read, and talked more.  She just stayed with me and tried to distract my mind....which I thought was going crazy.  Around 5:30 am I felt I was under control and so exhausted, sent mom to bed, and attempted to sleep.  What is wrong with me?  Get it together, DeLayne!  What is my problem?  Thoughts that went through my head.  About 1/2 later I almost bolted but knew that I needed sleep.  And then I realized that I have been trying to fix this very real issue of anxiety by myself...and I was failing.  I fell to my knees and cried my heart out to the Lord finally letting go of whatever control I was desperately clinging to and completely placing my fears upon the Lord.  I went to the restroom and within minutes felt an overwhelming exhaustion come over me to which I cold not fight and fell to sleep.  I awoke about two hours later at 730 am as my mom peeked in on me and shot my arms in the air exclaiming, "We did it!" relaying my experience.  I felt so triumphant and was so humbled to know the Lord had heard my pleas and had come to help me with such a silly thing.  It just didn't feel so silly at the time.
OK, so we realized that I was not getting better and my anxiety was here to stay.  I knew it would only get worse if we didn't get some sleep.  Called the nurse and they gave me a little sleeping pill to help.  Of course, taking a sleeping pill gave me anxiety, surprisingly enough.  I'm not big on medicine taker.  That brought about other crazy thoughts.  But I took it, it calmed me down and I fell into a sweet, deep sleep, so very needed.  Hooray.  After talking it through, having just been diagnosed with cancer, make a hard decision to do a double mastectomy, arrange my life, have the surgery, deal with a yucky recovery, try to process all the info coming in, and find the happiness somewhere in there, it was a heavy load and my mind and body sort of were trying to deal with it as well---all in just 3 weeks.  That's a trip.  Crazy stuff.  So thanks to the greatest husband and parents who walked me through this to the other side.  Two nights down of pleasant sleepy time.  So grateful for family and friends who allow me to ramble and work through my feelings.  It was a hard, hard weekend dealing with something I had never before--nobody less anxious than me.  I am confident this is an experience meant to teach me empathy for others and teach that I must include the Lord in my struggles.  Never has the scripture Matt. 11:28-30 applied so well to my life than now..."Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I wil give you rest"....etc.   Such tender mercies.  And oh how grateful I am to sleep.  NIghty, night.  Loves

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

PET Scan expeirence

Today was met with some anxiety but mostly excitement.  Today I had a PET scan done and met with my surgeon to remove the awful draining tubes coming from by body.  I was completely nervous for the scan not knowing what to expect after the dreadful MRI experience.  The PET scan is to help determine if possibly the cancer has traveled anywhere else in my body.   Had to drink 24 oz of water before 8 am and no food allowed since the night before.  That was a belly full of nothing.  They said I could bring music and a book while I waited but when I arrived they informed me that I could not have anything.  I panicked a bit.  They led me back to a room where they poke me twice before finally finding a big enough vein for the IV (my arm is already bruised like a druggie from previous pokes).  But they were sure nice.  The procedure guy was nice and we bonded.  After using the restroom (I was nervous) he led me to the trailer outside the hospital and sat me in a secluded, dark room where he gave me the radioactive injection and told me to drink this huge bottle of some stuff flavored with sprite then closed the door leaving me to drink with my thoughts for an hour while the stuff went through my body.  I sat there wondering if this is really my life.  All these strange procedures, going from doctors visit to visit.  I felt a little angry.  I shouldn't be there wasting that time when I could be home with my two little girls.  I should be home with them.  After the 5th cup of that stuff I was shivering uncontrollably.  Kevin checked on me and gave me some warm blankets and socks then closed the door again.  I tried to chug down another cup o the stuff but just COULD NOT DO IT.  There was still more left in the bottle too.  He came back in and I told him I couldn't drink another drop.  That turned out fine but I needed to use the restroom.  He asked if I could wait 15 min. which I thought I could.  Closed door.  After about 5 min. I heard him leave to go back inside the hospital when all of a sudden I had to go sooooo bad.  I could not hold it any longer.  I was a bustin'  Where was he?  I began to yell out, "is anyone there? I need to go!  Please can someone hear me PLEAASSSSE... I beg!"  I stood up, no good.  Sat on the edge of my chair, Oh mommy, really no good.  It was like some kind of prison water torcher.  I almost bolted.  Finally after pleading with the Lord (that sounds silly but I was desperate) he returned and I gently but quickly tiptoed to the bathroom which of course had to be the radio active bathroom down another long hallway all the way in the hosptal.  Ah...the sweet relief.  I asked Kevin if I was like a super hero with all the radioactive stuff in me.  He said only if I got bit by a spider.  Bummer.  Then back out to the trailer.  Sat in exclusion for a while longer where I chose to have a little chat with the Lord.  Expressed some feelings, excepting His will but adding some of my deepest feelings as well.  And then they were ready for the scan.  Of course, I asked to use the restroom one more time before the 30 min. scan (I would not have made it).  Back into the hospital and then to the trailer.  The scan began.  Cold room but covered with blankets.  The scan tube was not as small or long as the MRI and my whole body was never inside all at once.  They scan past up and down my body then focused on sections at a time.  Kevin talked me through it.  I almost fell asleep if it weren't for the fact that I had to concentrate on not moving.  No obnoxious loud noises like the MRI.  No crazy itchings.  It was decent and manageable.  Just pre-scan bad memories.  Hope to get the results in a day or two.   Let's just say that I stayed close to the restroom for the rest of this day.  Have not been feeling too thirsty yet.  Interesting new expereinces.  Yes, this is my life.  Luckily, I can laugh about it now looking back.  May you all appreciate your freedom to use the restroom at will.  I know I do.

Visited with our surgeon, Dr. Tittensor.  Recovery is progressing well.  She snipped my stitch and pulled out the long tubes that were draining junk out of me that I have been wearing since surgery day.  Oh that was such not a delight.  Thanks for letting me squeeze your hand, Brendon.  I do love that man.  Spoke a lot about where to go from here.  It looks like my tumor was a stage 3A and 7.1 cm.  That seems big.  Cancer found in 2 of the 8 lymph nodes.  That's not bad.  Margins of tumor are clean meaning they believe they got it all.  We spoke about a lot of things, causing me to feel a bit overwhelmed.  Lots to think about, and lots of uncertainties when it comes to cancer.  But we do feel that we are over one o the biggest parts of this journey--getting the cancer out.  I admit that I usually cry on appointment days.   I don't feel like giving up but I do feel overwhelmed and scared.  I know I should not doubt or fear.  I am trying.  I have my moments of weakness. Spent the rest of the day feeling a bit mellow and pensive.  We meet with the oncologist in one day to learn about our next step in beating this cancer..the chemo and full recovery.  So all in all, lots of progress today and I am happy to be free of the tubes.  Now I need to heal from the hole they left in me.  Ugh.  Lots of love

Saturday, September 11, 2010

MRI or die...which to choose?

Ahhhh....my MRI experience.  What to say?  I suppose I should start out by saying it was not THAT bad for what I am about to describe may lean towards the over-dramatic.  I am simply descriptive.  But me NO LIKEY my MRI experience.  Of course I would rather not die than have an MRI but during the  actual experience, the thought crosses the mind.  Brendon was as good as gold to go with me knowing he would be sitting in the waiting room the entire time.  He refuses to have me do any of this alone. I won't complain.  Not knowing what to expect with this I asked the lady before me how it was and she said to just keep my eyes closed, keep my ear plugs in and just breathe.  My mother had shared my dear, sweet grandma Bacon's MRI experience relaying her deep fear of enclosed areas.  She just prayed & pleaded through it all.  Well, knowing I can't go through any enclosed tubes at water parks without panicking, I knew this would not be so much fun.
They lead you into a sealed up room where I laid down flat on my stomach with holes cut out for my chest area and my head placed on a head rest like one may find when getting a massage.  Only apparantly a massage is not included.  I asked.  For the amount of money an MRI costs, it's the LEAST they could do--ease our anxiety after the fact with a good rub down.  I was told I should not move, that they would be able to comunicate with me and tell me how long each test would take, and I could squeeze something if I needed to get their attention.  I found myself contiually adjusting my pants, trying to get comfortable.  No way was I going to have a wedgy for a whole 30 min. test and not be able to do anything about it.  I was quite concerned for that.  I closed my eyes and could feel me slowly moving backward.  There was no mistaking the feeling of being completely enclosed about.  I hunkered down, beginning my deep breathing, trying to get to my "happy place."  After a while I noticed my face was quite squished in the head rest so I slowly began to inch my face back and forth to move it around, careful to not disturb moving my body.  I realized what a sight that must look.  Then came the itches.  Oh..they were all in my mind, I'm sure, but I had to concentrate hard on my breathing to distracting my mind & trick my body to will those itches away.  Then came the coughing spasm.  Having left my sunday school clas the previous day for coughing too much, I knew if I let loose with one cough, I was a goner and there was NO way I was starting that MRI over.  I prayed, and breathed through my nose, then my mouth, back and forth, forcing my thoughts away from coughing.  I thought of my wedding day, each of the births of my children, and finally rested on my role as Mrs. Brice this past summer on the Scera stage--going through all my lines, songs, and choreography.  Each time a test was to begin she would tell me the time it would take and I would start counting, knowing I could make it through 1 min. or 2 1/2 min.  etc.  But the NOISE!!  the noise, noise noise, noise (I sound like the Grinch).  Why I thought I could take a little nap during this scan is beyond me.  I thought I'd get a little vacation from my chidren with some peace and quiet. My children are meek as mice compared to the sounds blasting in my ears.  And I realized too...they forgot to give me some ear plugs like the lady before me told me to get!  Ahhh!  Those loud blasts caused my heart to jump almost every time and made it hard to stay in my happy place for long.  About 20 min. into the scan they injected this dye to further help with their analysis.  That meant only 10 min. left.  I thought I could do that but I was wrong.  Only seconds later I had HAD it.  I was done and I wanted OUT.  My chest and head hurt, I could almost no longer will my fears away and I was losing my mind.  I began to pray and breathe and pray and breathe more and more until it finally ended.  After coming out, I turned to see just how small that hole is I felt trapped in for those 30 min.  Oh the humanity.  Just glad I had not looked beforehand.  I joined Brendon.  He looked at me funny wondering what all the red marks were around my face.  I went home and cried and feel asleep, feeling quite woozy & yucky.  I was surprised how ill and lethargic I felt afterward.  I am proud of myself for getting through that with mere sheer will power but do hope not to have to repeat again someday.  Dramatic?  Yes, but actually going through it has brought on new found emotions never explored.  And now, it'll just be a memory to laugh about.  Let me know if you would like me to demonstrate the noise of the MRI in person.  It's a peach.  All in all, I am so happy to be alive and experiencing all sorts of new adventures that will make good stories someday.  Nervous to meet the surgeon tommorrow but ready to get on with the show here.

My great YW Yayhoo's!

This morning with children off staying with their two awesome cousins, Brittany and Kelly Bluth (thank you so much girls-love you for that!) Brendon allowed me to sleep in a bit.  No complaints against that from me.  Slow, tired morning.  Got up and fixed my own fried eggs for the first time and thought that to be something of an accomplishment.  Soon after my dearest friend, Crystal, shows up to announce that my sweet YW girls had just played their first church volleyball game that morning and wanted to drop by for a visit.  Put on my robe to join them outside only to find them forming a pyramid and chanting our ward cheer for me.  I literally think that my owie condition just may be cheered away by these energetic and loving girls.  We had a great visit as they walked me around the cul-de-sac two times.  We made quite a spectacul with my cheering mob of girls walking this feeble lady around in my pajamas and robe while YW leaders took picture and video like paparazzi. Everyone of them had tie-dyed their team shirts the night before in pink and white in honor of me (thanks for heading that up Brynn).  What a sight!!  I was absolutely thrilled and very touched by the calibur of thoughtfulness in these young girls hearts.  Had to take a nap after all that excitement wore me out.  They apparantly did not win their volleyball game but they did score many points and are definitly winners in team spirit!!!!  Who can beat that?!  I am so blessed to serve in this calling.  What a great start to my day!  Love you YW girls and leaders!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My AMAZING ward family!

Today was church day and an absolutely amazing church day.  I walked into the foyer at our ward building only to see my cute YW Beehvies (I am maybe 2 weeks newly called as the 2nd counselor in our YW--hooray for me!!) holding buckets at the doors to the chapel.  With a smile I said, "Are you collecting money for something girls?"  just as they handed me a small pink ribbon.  I stared at it for a moment confused until it registered that they were handing everyone the small pink ribbon symbol in support of me.  Little 'ol me.  I walked into the chapel and broke down crying that ugly kind of cry.  I was literally shaking and have never been so humbly surprised in my life.  And the kicker was that I am ward chorister so I had to stand up in front of the congregation to lead the songs as a wreck.  Plus they released me from my ward music director/ward choir director calling that I loved so much. I was sad for that but knew it was coming.   I was quite emotional as one might imagine to see the see of pink ribbons on both young and old.  And how awesome to see every deacon pass the sacrament and walk up and down the aisles wearing pink ribbons.  We were all teary eyed but I stood up with a huge happy smile on my face as I directed those songs.  What wonderful people who I love with all my heart.  Thank you to all of those good neighbors and girls who put that together ( you know who you are) and all the ward members for supporting it.  We feel your love and prayers and they have uplifted us so much.  What an incredible gesture for us!!!!  Thank you Thank you!

We ended the with a delicious dinner with the "fancy" dishes at my mom and dad's home with loving family.  Visitng with them was so wonderful and sweet.  Brother Larry even came down and shared some very tender, thoughtful feelings with me.  I am learning that this is almost harder for my loved ones than me.  It is hard for them to imagine me going through this.  How I love them all.  It was such a rewarding day. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Reality sets in

Today has been my toughest and the biggest reality check of all.  We met with Dr. Tittensor who will be my surgeon to remove the tumor.  After checking me out she sat down with us to explain our two options.  We could choose a lumpectomy which means to simply remove the lump, and follow up with radiation as long as the lymph nodes are clear of any cancer.  With my diagnosis of ductal carceonoma insitu this is what we expected--fairly low maintenance, no big deal, get in there and snip, snip and get on with it.  Our second choice was to have a mastectomy done on the left breast which would also test the nodes and is usually accompanied by chemotherapy and radiation.  I half listened to that part until she said that the mastectomy route is what she recommended for my situation due to the size of my tumor.  She contuinued to explain the procedures when I suddenly felt huge tears welling up and falling from my eyes.  I was in complete shock.  Shock, shock shock.  That had not crossed my mind for one second.  I remember thinking "isn't a mastectomy what older people do?"  It felt so drastic to me.  I sat in stunned silence while Brendon asked question after question.  Although emotional himself, he had his wits about him enough to find out information we needed to proceed and make the best decision.  I sat there thinking and questioning my doctor if she thought I should have done something about my lump earlier and beating myself up for not listening to my body better and being more concerned.  Maybe we could have caught this earlier when it had not grown so big where a lumpectomy could have been done instead.  Why had I lived with this for under a year instead of becoming more poractive in my health.  She told me I cannot play the "what if" game because we don't know when it all started and I did do just what I should have which was come in for a follow-up mammo.  Instead we need to deal with the here and now.  Is this seriously my life right now?  Am I seriously a cancer patient facing a mastectomy and all that comes with it?  We were comforted by our Dr.'s confidence and optimism in our situation and how she could help us.  She is the most wonderful person and we have heard such amazing things about her abilities as a surgeon.   I sat there and realized for the first time the severity of my situation.  Not really a "snip, snip" deal anymore but instead more like a "chop, chop."  I suppose my way of dealing with trials is to down play in order to cope.  "It's no big deal....it's all good" kinda mind frame.  I did not feel that way today.  The magnitude of it all hit me hard and I broke down with true saddness for the fist time.  So much to process.  We called my parents on the way home.  Up until now, my mom was sure I was in denial of my true feelings but today she got an earful as the floodgates opened.  The rest of this day has been spent on the phone with family, or with wonderful visitors who all just want to help in some way.  It is a shock to us all.  Tomorrow we meet with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Bishop, who works well with Dr. Tittensor.  We shall learn what to expect on the reconstruction route.  This is all happening so fast.  One thing is for sure...guess we won't be done with this thing by the end of the month afterall.:)  End of the year?  I am starting to realize that I am really not in control of anything right now.  I know that our biggest concern has to be getting rid of the cancer.  We continue to pray. So much wondeful support.