Today was a day that seemed so far off....I secretly dreaded but am actually glad to have started so we can get this thing goin' and over with. Very nervous. Wondered what the poke of the port would feel like as well as the chemo in my body, or how I would feel after and over the next few days. Appointment time was 9:45 a.m. Brendon and my mom joined me. We were prepared with drinks, reading materials, movie etc. I was very interested in distracting myself. In the chemo room at American Fork hospital is a circle of lazy boys all in a circle with regular chairs for our guests. Looks like chemo patients are the guests of honor. It was a busy morning. Waited just a bit before they hooked my port up. Felt a little needle poke and it was done. Not so bad. They drew blood and we waited. After a while, the nurse came over to go over the chemo medications and what to expect. The day before (wed.) Dr. Bott decided to go with a different chemo regimen for my case after discussing it further with my surgeon, Dr. Jennifer Tittensor. They discussed me in their tumor seminar that morning as well with various doctors who all felt it t be the best course. We are going with what is called TCH. These chemo drugs are called Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin. I will now go in for 6 total rounds of chemo once every 3 weeks. Before it was 8 times every 2 weeks. I think this is great news. We will still be done around the same time (Brendon has figured it to be about Jan.10ish). but now there will be more time in between treatments to build up my white blood cell counts. That means more time to build my immune system in between which apparently will be shot. That will be interesting with 6 kids. We are determined to be careful and are training our kids. We are stacked with face masks and hand sanitizer thanks to my dad.
Anyway, so we began the chemo session. First they start me with an anti-nausea medication which is such a blessing and has come along way in helping chemo patients fight horrible nausea. Then they administered benadryl in order to off set any allergic reactions to medication. Once that kicked in, I was woozy and a bit out of it tired. I did not like that feeling. I am too sensitive to medications. So, I just closed my eyes and tried to rest. So much for my reading and movie idea. Put my snuggie (thanks Tricia) over me and nodded off. Figured out that next time I need music. So, for a while I was a bit out of it. Then all of a sudden I felt like the insides of my body were on fire. I started to sit up and thought I was going to throw up. My mom noticed my face and chest turning beat red and redder and redder. I started to cry a tiny bit not liking that feeling at all and trying to get a grip on myself at the same time wondering why everyone else was doing just fine and not wanting to lose it in front of the whole group. My mom called over the nurse who quickly turned off my drip and flushed me our with some saline. I immediately felt better and so relieved. So we started over placing the drip on low and gradually building which meant that the process took a lot longer. I was Ok throughout the rest and was able to watch a movie to pass the time. Charalece, my sister showed up to sit with us which was great. Today is her birthday and I hoped to spend time with her and go to lunch after my chemo but it took too long so she and my mom, dad, and sisters took her out and brought Brendon and I halibut from Magleby's Fresh afterward. I was hungry and it tasted so yummy. My taste buds were slightly altered, I could tell, but it was still so good. My radiologist, Dr. Clarke, came in to visit with us which was so nice. We won't see him until after chemo but he wanted to check up on me. He told me that he was glad to hear that I am HER2 positive which means I have a fast acting cancer (not good) but it responds so well to the cure that the Herceptin drug provides. I will come in for the Herceptin drug every 3 weeks for one year. We have the best team of doctors around and feel so much caring and confidence in their treatment plan for me. All in all, I saw patients come and go until I was the only patient left in the room. Total time was 6 hours which seemed quite long (we were expecting 2). Guess my body does not respond well to poisonous chemo meds being injected into it to kill cancer. Who knew. I'm too delicate. I felt quite tired afterward, came home and took a nap but was fine by 7:00 p.m. Meanwhile, I held up in my bedroom while Brendon helped all the kids with dinner, clean up, homework, and bedtime. My mom and Brendon's mom and Brinley helped with a project for Bailey. Brendon is the greatest. I felt so guilty for hiding away and hope he does not get burned out too quickly. But I know I need to keep myself as healthy and rested as possibly to fight this. Brendon has stepped up his game plan too. He really understands what needs to happen almost better than I. I love him and am so grateful for his fierce loyalty in every way during this whole process. So thankful to have him with me today as well as my mom and Charalece. Brendon's birthday is tomorrow, Oct. 1st (41). We are hoping to go out to Texas Roadhouse with his work since our understanding is that I will feel OK today and tomorrow but Sat-tues. may be a little yucky. Who knows what to expect. I did not love today's experience but it was not so bad. Anticipation may always be worse. One down and 5 to go. That doesn't sound so awful. Thank you to everyone for your concern and prayers. Sometimes I still cannot believe this is happening. But we are a goin' now. Love you all.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I love hugs!!!
Went to church today and sang with my 5 sisters and mom in sacrament meeting. We sang, Abide With Me, 'Tis Eventide which I picked out because it is so beautiful and very real for me right now.. I can remember two times in my life when I have really remember calling on the Lord for help. Once was in the MTC when there was so much change and pressure going on and of course, during all this cancer deal. I have plead to the Lord so many times in every way and situation. And now that I have had some anxiety issues after surgery, I have found that I enjoy the daytime much better than night and need the Lord's help to get me through. Anyway, I always love to sing with my sisters and mom and try to whenever Audralyn comes in town from Texas. Great to see everyone and go to YW's to see my girls. I love them. I was literally exhausted when I came home.
Two neighbors, Dan Arbon and Mark Simmons, brought over some berry pies for us to taste and judge on. A lot of pressure. Raspberry and triple berry. They were so different and both delicious so how do we judge that? We have decided to tell them individually that they both won and hope they don't talk to one another. We'll see if that works.
One thing I have noticed is how much of a hugger I was before all this because I sure notice a difference now. I MISS HUGS!!! Now I have to do the side hug and very gingerly at that. A frontal hug usually is careful and distant. I admit that boundaries are hard for me. There is definately a boundary around me of protection. Bummer. I am going to hug the heck out of people when this is all over with. So get ready world!!! Good day!
Two neighbors, Dan Arbon and Mark Simmons, brought over some berry pies for us to taste and judge on. A lot of pressure. Raspberry and triple berry. They were so different and both delicious so how do we judge that? We have decided to tell them individually that they both won and hope they don't talk to one another. We'll see if that works.
One thing I have noticed is how much of a hugger I was before all this because I sure notice a difference now. I MISS HUGS!!! Now I have to do the side hug and very gingerly at that. A frontal hug usually is careful and distant. I admit that boundaries are hard for me. There is definately a boundary around me of protection. Bummer. I am going to hug the heck out of people when this is all over with. So get ready world!!! Good day!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
PET scan results and oncologist news
This has been a brain overload of information day. Lots to digest and contemplate. The best news we have heard for a while is that the PET scan was clean. No cancer detected elsewhere in my body. That is a huge relief for that is one more battle we don't have to fight. We celebrated and hugged and "whoo-hoo'd" for we'll take any little goodness comin' our way. Still, having been blindsided before as a result of my naivete and "Oh, it's no big deal" kind of attitude, I have learned that I need to up the reality check and get all the facts first. That's a good idea.
We met with our wonderful oncologist, Dr. Bott today. He took care of my grandma Bacon when she had cancer and even remembered her name. I was impressed by that. He was extremely informative and I immediately felt comfortable with his direction of care for me. Here is what we have learned today.
First of all, breast cancer is very common--1 in 7 or 8 women. So it is very treatable but varies, of course. Dr. Bott said I have probably had this cancer in me for 5-7 years, growing aggressively. Shocking. Ladies, be aware of your bodies and be proactive! I did not feel a smidge of sickness to indicate that cancer was in there. Cancer is tricky. Luckily, I easily felt the lump. We learned that about one million cancer cells can fit on the end of a pen tip. The other end of the pen, the clicker part, is about the size a PET scan is able to detect. Still, great but not 100%. There could still be microscopic cancer cells lurking around. Thus, the chemotherapy and radiation treatments are done to try and catch those naughty little buggers that may be lurking about. Some more great news is that by proceeding with chemo/radiation, the recovery rate for me is 88%. Yeah. I plan on doing that. You know... recovering. We also learned that I am more susceptible to other cancers now, especially ovarian cancer since my cancer is an estrogen positive cancer which is not good since that is more aggressive but is good because it is more responsive to treatment. The kicker here is that I could get breast cancer somewhere else in my body and it is still called breast cancer which I thought strange because that is why I had my double mastectomy--to eliminate that problem. But if a little cancer cell guy slipped out before the surgery, well there you have it. that is what happened to our Aunt Sue Dayton, bless her loving soul. Love you A. Sue! But, we will focus on the here and now. We spoke briefly about a medication to take for 5 years to combat the estrogen dealio or talked about removing the ovaries after chemo/rad. are finished. We are considering that option, though scary and weird and I now fear surgeries but it seems like the wisest choice for me. I've got me these 6 fantastic children, what else do I need those little ovary suckers for? Off with their heads I say! Actually, I'm sad for that but we do what we gotta do.
So....Chemo treatment is set to begin in about two weeks, Sept. 30. Happy Birthday to Charalece on that day and Brendon the next, Oct.1st! We go in for the Port surgery the Fri. before (nervous, nervous). Looks like I will have 8 chemo treatments every two weeks. I should be done in 4 months--just into the Happy New yearish. We then expect a month of recoup and then begin radiation which will go about every school day. We expect to be finished in the Spring with the chemo/radiation route.
Side effects of chemo. Apparently there are some great new drugs that have really advanced the side effects of chemo--especially the nausea. They hit me with the chemo one day, about a two hour process, then I should feel OK that day and the next with the steroids still in me (there go my chances of making Olympic history with those strict steroid testing rules now), but the nausea and fatigue will hit about the third day for a bit until I gradually feel good again just in time for the next round. Of course, that is a general and varies for each individual. Many women go on about their lives just fine and dandy which I more than expect to do. They say I will most likely react a lot like I did in first trimester pregnancy. I can't complain about that. Not too bad. I can still boogie down easy. Again, lots of info and still unknown for my circumstances but it gave us some good indications of what to expect. They used lots of fancy, smart medicine word names of the type of chemos and treatment I will receive. I'm confident in the direction we are heading. A bit overwhelming but I am ready to get this going.
So, we begin here soon. We should have all this up and running and look to about a year to be done. 10 years cancer free is what we shoot for but it is something we'll have to monitor for the rest of my life. And so, I became friends with Dr. Bott right away since we will be seeing each other quite often. They called me "DeLayney" at first and asked if that was correct. I said that is what all my good friends called me so...sure. Dr. Bott is on the "DeLayney" name call basis. My family mentioned to him that I am looking forward to auditioning for the role of Miss Hannigan in Annie at the Scera this coming spring and he said to go for it. We got to talking about what shows I have been involved in. Turns out he saw me play Mrs. Rosie Brice in Funny Girl this past summer and remembered me. I thought it was a bonding moment for us.
Brendon feels much relief. I could see the worry in his eyes as he drilled question after question. He asks some good things. I'm so grateful he has been by my side throughout this whole process. I love him and could not be any more blessed. And grateful my parents were there with us as well to educate themselves on my situation and offer support. We had some incredible friends of Brendon make our day! Thank you. I needed that for him. Thanks Matt & Amy for the visit and the scotcheroos. Brendon needed that for him too.:) Thank you to everyone for the dinners, treats, phone calls, emails, gifts, smiles, prayers, love and so much more. We are so fortunate. Good to have many questions answered and a game plan worked out. Love you all.
We met with our wonderful oncologist, Dr. Bott today. He took care of my grandma Bacon when she had cancer and even remembered her name. I was impressed by that. He was extremely informative and I immediately felt comfortable with his direction of care for me. Here is what we have learned today.
First of all, breast cancer is very common--1 in 7 or 8 women. So it is very treatable but varies, of course. Dr. Bott said I have probably had this cancer in me for 5-7 years, growing aggressively. Shocking. Ladies, be aware of your bodies and be proactive! I did not feel a smidge of sickness to indicate that cancer was in there. Cancer is tricky. Luckily, I easily felt the lump. We learned that about one million cancer cells can fit on the end of a pen tip. The other end of the pen, the clicker part, is about the size a PET scan is able to detect. Still, great but not 100%. There could still be microscopic cancer cells lurking around. Thus, the chemotherapy and radiation treatments are done to try and catch those naughty little buggers that may be lurking about. Some more great news is that by proceeding with chemo/radiation, the recovery rate for me is 88%. Yeah. I plan on doing that. You know... recovering. We also learned that I am more susceptible to other cancers now, especially ovarian cancer since my cancer is an estrogen positive cancer which is not good since that is more aggressive but is good because it is more responsive to treatment. The kicker here is that I could get breast cancer somewhere else in my body and it is still called breast cancer which I thought strange because that is why I had my double mastectomy--to eliminate that problem. But if a little cancer cell guy slipped out before the surgery, well there you have it. that is what happened to our Aunt Sue Dayton, bless her loving soul. Love you A. Sue! But, we will focus on the here and now. We spoke briefly about a medication to take for 5 years to combat the estrogen dealio or talked about removing the ovaries after chemo/rad. are finished. We are considering that option, though scary and weird and I now fear surgeries but it seems like the wisest choice for me. I've got me these 6 fantastic children, what else do I need those little ovary suckers for? Off with their heads I say! Actually, I'm sad for that but we do what we gotta do.
So....Chemo treatment is set to begin in about two weeks, Sept. 30. Happy Birthday to Charalece on that day and Brendon the next, Oct.1st! We go in for the Port surgery the Fri. before (nervous, nervous). Looks like I will have 8 chemo treatments every two weeks. I should be done in 4 months--just into the Happy New yearish. We then expect a month of recoup and then begin radiation which will go about every school day. We expect to be finished in the Spring with the chemo/radiation route.
Side effects of chemo. Apparently there are some great new drugs that have really advanced the side effects of chemo--especially the nausea. They hit me with the chemo one day, about a two hour process, then I should feel OK that day and the next with the steroids still in me (there go my chances of making Olympic history with those strict steroid testing rules now), but the nausea and fatigue will hit about the third day for a bit until I gradually feel good again just in time for the next round. Of course, that is a general and varies for each individual. Many women go on about their lives just fine and dandy which I more than expect to do. They say I will most likely react a lot like I did in first trimester pregnancy. I can't complain about that. Not too bad. I can still boogie down easy. Again, lots of info and still unknown for my circumstances but it gave us some good indications of what to expect. They used lots of fancy, smart medicine word names of the type of chemos and treatment I will receive. I'm confident in the direction we are heading. A bit overwhelming but I am ready to get this going.
So, we begin here soon. We should have all this up and running and look to about a year to be done. 10 years cancer free is what we shoot for but it is something we'll have to monitor for the rest of my life. And so, I became friends with Dr. Bott right away since we will be seeing each other quite often. They called me "DeLayney" at first and asked if that was correct. I said that is what all my good friends called me so...sure. Dr. Bott is on the "DeLayney" name call basis. My family mentioned to him that I am looking forward to auditioning for the role of Miss Hannigan in Annie at the Scera this coming spring and he said to go for it. We got to talking about what shows I have been involved in. Turns out he saw me play Mrs. Rosie Brice in Funny Girl this past summer and remembered me. I thought it was a bonding moment for us.
Brendon feels much relief. I could see the worry in his eyes as he drilled question after question. He asks some good things. I'm so grateful he has been by my side throughout this whole process. I love him and could not be any more blessed. And grateful my parents were there with us as well to educate themselves on my situation and offer support. We had some incredible friends of Brendon make our day! Thank you. I needed that for him. Thanks Matt & Amy for the visit and the scotcheroos. Brendon needed that for him too.:) Thank you to everyone for the dinners, treats, phone calls, emails, gifts, smiles, prayers, love and so much more. We are so fortunate. Good to have many questions answered and a game plan worked out. Love you all.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Good day for some Family, Friends, Pride & Prejudice
After the PET scan experience of yesterday, I felt hammered today. I was in so much pain this morning. Maybe from the changes from yesterday. Couldn't shake the exhaustion and a bit fuzzy in the head. So I laid around in my bed and sat outside most of the late afternoon and evening. I have so wanted to be surrounded by my sisters and mom so I called them to come watch a movie. Jen, Crystal (neighbor friends), and I have planned to watch the A&E version of Pride & Prejudice for months now and felt that my recovery time was the perfect occasion...all 8 hours. But we will have to do that little by little. so great to have family and friends all piled on my bed, in chairs, and my cute new red love seat in my bedroom just to keep me company. I felt so happy despite the foggy head and lack of energy. Such a wonderful way to pass the time. And Pride & Prejudice just makes me feel good. Thanks for the company of my loved ones. Thanks to others who came to visit. Hollie brought over some darling hats she made for my days of baldness. So thoughtful. Good friends brought treats, food, and sent flowers. Dad took Mom out to lunch for a break. She has been staying over for a week now, except the weekend, helping with everything imaginable. She is amazing and has completely taken over my care and the needs of my family, along with Brendon. I love you mom, so much. Brendon's mom has also been so helpful, I appreciate them both. Anxious for scan results and meeting with oncologist. Grateful for moments of laughter and bonding.
Anxious weekend
This past weekend was a rough on for me. This weekend our kids were fanned out to relatives homes for some fun sleep overs (thank you Pratte family, Chris Dayton family, and my nieces, Brittany & Kelly) leaving Brendon and I alone for two "date nights" at home. We thought we'd watch some movies and read and just relax. Friday night turned out OK, went to bed late and had a nice visit with a sister and her husband. Saturday was filled with a few fun soccer games and then we found ourselves alone again. As night time approached, I found myself making myself busy with a bunch of nonesense. When went to bed watching TV to tire us out but I could not sleep. I felt so tired but let the hours pass as Brendon snored frequently beside me (I just knock him). 1 and 2 am didn't seem so bad but around 3:30 I started panicking. So tired. I just worried about everything. Worried about the dark, the silence, if I would wake up, if I would be comfortable, if I would have pain in the morning, if I would fall asleep but wake up and not be able to fall asleep again, if I would get too hot or too cold, that there would be nothing on TV for me to watch and I'd have to sit with my thoughts. There were too many thoughts and they would not go away. And I repeatedly got up to use the restroom. Anxious about upcoming appointments and scans and procedures. At 4 am I knew I was in trouble. Got up to walk around. By 5:30am I was uncomfortable and officially freaking out. I sat up and began to hysterically cry thus waking up Brendon. I bolted out of my gorgeous room to escape what I felt to be so confining. I had to get out of the house. Cabin fever. I cried and paced around majorly sleep deprived with hot sweats, ringing my hands wondering why I was freaking out as Brendon watched helplessly wondering how to help me. We walked around the cul-de-sac while I tried to get myself together. Attempted to go back in the house but it felt too hot abd boxed in. I couldn't get it under control. We attempted another walk a little farther just as the sky began to lighten and I freaked out about losing a whole nights sleep, knowing that could not be good for me. Finally, utterly exhausted & having received a blessing from Brendon, I drifted off about 7:30am until about 9:30.
Sunday morning my dearest neighbor, Nancy and her friend Jack brought over a lovely brunch to eat out on our back patio. It was so nice and a great change of pace and great conversation. Spent the day walking around in a daze and sitting outside visiting with good neighbors. The anxiety began as the sun started to set. I recognized the useless busyness as I nonsensically began to pace. The hot sweats and feelings of being boxed in and inability to even walk in my bedroom. I knew I was in for another anxiety-filled night and I bean to cry. Mom and Dad showed up to talk me through it and spend the night to offer their support and help. Drifted in and out (mostly in) until I bolted at about 2:30 am. Walked around cul-de-sac until Brendon came out to join only to be replaced by my greatest of a mother so that Brendon could get some sleep for his early work meeting. We walked around, sat outside until we froze, talked until it got too hot, went back outside, read, and talked more. She just stayed with me and tried to distract my mind....which I thought was going crazy. Around 5:30 am I felt I was under control and so exhausted, sent mom to bed, and attempted to sleep. What is wrong with me? Get it together, DeLayne! What is my problem? Thoughts that went through my head. About 1/2 later I almost bolted but knew that I needed sleep. And then I realized that I have been trying to fix this very real issue of anxiety by myself...and I was failing. I fell to my knees and cried my heart out to the Lord finally letting go of whatever control I was desperately clinging to and completely placing my fears upon the Lord. I went to the restroom and within minutes felt an overwhelming exhaustion come over me to which I cold not fight and fell to sleep. I awoke about two hours later at 730 am as my mom peeked in on me and shot my arms in the air exclaiming, "We did it!" relaying my experience. I felt so triumphant and was so humbled to know the Lord had heard my pleas and had come to help me with such a silly thing. It just didn't feel so silly at the time.
OK, so we realized that I was not getting better and my anxiety was here to stay. I knew it would only get worse if we didn't get some sleep. Called the nurse and they gave me a little sleeping pill to help. Of course, taking a sleeping pill gave me anxiety, surprisingly enough. I'm not big on medicine taker. That brought about other crazy thoughts. But I took it, it calmed me down and I fell into a sweet, deep sleep, so very needed. Hooray. After talking it through, having just been diagnosed with cancer, make a hard decision to do a double mastectomy, arrange my life, have the surgery, deal with a yucky recovery, try to process all the info coming in, and find the happiness somewhere in there, it was a heavy load and my mind and body sort of were trying to deal with it as well---all in just 3 weeks. That's a trip. Crazy stuff. So thanks to the greatest husband and parents who walked me through this to the other side. Two nights down of pleasant sleepy time. So grateful for family and friends who allow me to ramble and work through my feelings. It was a hard, hard weekend dealing with something I had never before--nobody less anxious than me. I am confident this is an experience meant to teach me empathy for others and teach that I must include the Lord in my struggles. Never has the scripture Matt. 11:28-30 applied so well to my life than now..."Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I wil give you rest"....etc. Such tender mercies. And oh how grateful I am to sleep. NIghty, night. Loves
Sunday morning my dearest neighbor, Nancy and her friend Jack brought over a lovely brunch to eat out on our back patio. It was so nice and a great change of pace and great conversation. Spent the day walking around in a daze and sitting outside visiting with good neighbors. The anxiety began as the sun started to set. I recognized the useless busyness as I nonsensically began to pace. The hot sweats and feelings of being boxed in and inability to even walk in my bedroom. I knew I was in for another anxiety-filled night and I bean to cry. Mom and Dad showed up to talk me through it and spend the night to offer their support and help. Drifted in and out (mostly in) until I bolted at about 2:30 am. Walked around cul-de-sac until Brendon came out to join only to be replaced by my greatest of a mother so that Brendon could get some sleep for his early work meeting. We walked around, sat outside until we froze, talked until it got too hot, went back outside, read, and talked more. She just stayed with me and tried to distract my mind....which I thought was going crazy. Around 5:30 am I felt I was under control and so exhausted, sent mom to bed, and attempted to sleep. What is wrong with me? Get it together, DeLayne! What is my problem? Thoughts that went through my head. About 1/2 later I almost bolted but knew that I needed sleep. And then I realized that I have been trying to fix this very real issue of anxiety by myself...and I was failing. I fell to my knees and cried my heart out to the Lord finally letting go of whatever control I was desperately clinging to and completely placing my fears upon the Lord. I went to the restroom and within minutes felt an overwhelming exhaustion come over me to which I cold not fight and fell to sleep. I awoke about two hours later at 730 am as my mom peeked in on me and shot my arms in the air exclaiming, "We did it!" relaying my experience. I felt so triumphant and was so humbled to know the Lord had heard my pleas and had come to help me with such a silly thing. It just didn't feel so silly at the time.
OK, so we realized that I was not getting better and my anxiety was here to stay. I knew it would only get worse if we didn't get some sleep. Called the nurse and they gave me a little sleeping pill to help. Of course, taking a sleeping pill gave me anxiety, surprisingly enough. I'm not big on medicine taker. That brought about other crazy thoughts. But I took it, it calmed me down and I fell into a sweet, deep sleep, so very needed. Hooray. After talking it through, having just been diagnosed with cancer, make a hard decision to do a double mastectomy, arrange my life, have the surgery, deal with a yucky recovery, try to process all the info coming in, and find the happiness somewhere in there, it was a heavy load and my mind and body sort of were trying to deal with it as well---all in just 3 weeks. That's a trip. Crazy stuff. So thanks to the greatest husband and parents who walked me through this to the other side. Two nights down of pleasant sleepy time. So grateful for family and friends who allow me to ramble and work through my feelings. It was a hard, hard weekend dealing with something I had never before--nobody less anxious than me. I am confident this is an experience meant to teach me empathy for others and teach that I must include the Lord in my struggles. Never has the scripture Matt. 11:28-30 applied so well to my life than now..."Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I wil give you rest"....etc. Such tender mercies. And oh how grateful I am to sleep. NIghty, night. Loves
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
PET Scan expeirence
Today was met with some anxiety but mostly excitement. Today I had a PET scan done and met with my surgeon to remove the awful draining tubes coming from by body. I was completely nervous for the scan not knowing what to expect after the dreadful MRI experience. The PET scan is to help determine if possibly the cancer has traveled anywhere else in my body. Had to drink 24 oz of water before 8 am and no food allowed since the night before. That was a belly full of nothing. They said I could bring music and a book while I waited but when I arrived they informed me that I could not have anything. I panicked a bit. They led me back to a room where they poke me twice before finally finding a big enough vein for the IV (my arm is already bruised like a druggie from previous pokes). But they were sure nice. The procedure guy was nice and we bonded. After using the restroom (I was nervous) he led me to the trailer outside the hospital and sat me in a secluded, dark room where he gave me the radioactive injection and told me to drink this huge bottle of some stuff flavored with sprite then closed the door leaving me to drink with my thoughts for an hour while the stuff went through my body. I sat there wondering if this is really my life. All these strange procedures, going from doctors visit to visit. I felt a little angry. I shouldn't be there wasting that time when I could be home with my two little girls. I should be home with them. After the 5th cup of that stuff I was shivering uncontrollably. Kevin checked on me and gave me some warm blankets and socks then closed the door again. I tried to chug down another cup o the stuff but just COULD NOT DO IT. There was still more left in the bottle too. He came back in and I told him I couldn't drink another drop. That turned out fine but I needed to use the restroom. He asked if I could wait 15 min. which I thought I could. Closed door. After about 5 min. I heard him leave to go back inside the hospital when all of a sudden I had to go sooooo bad. I could not hold it any longer. I was a bustin' Where was he? I began to yell out, "is anyone there? I need to go! Please can someone hear me PLEAASSSSE... I beg!" I stood up, no good. Sat on the edge of my chair, Oh mommy, really no good. It was like some kind of prison water torcher. I almost bolted. Finally after pleading with the Lord (that sounds silly but I was desperate) he returned and I gently but quickly tiptoed to the bathroom which of course had to be the radio active bathroom down another long hallway all the way in the hosptal. Ah...the sweet relief. I asked Kevin if I was like a super hero with all the radioactive stuff in me. He said only if I got bit by a spider. Bummer. Then back out to the trailer. Sat in exclusion for a while longer where I chose to have a little chat with the Lord. Expressed some feelings, excepting His will but adding some of my deepest feelings as well. And then they were ready for the scan. Of course, I asked to use the restroom one more time before the 30 min. scan (I would not have made it). Back into the hospital and then to the trailer. The scan began. Cold room but covered with blankets. The scan tube was not as small or long as the MRI and my whole body was never inside all at once. They scan past up and down my body then focused on sections at a time. Kevin talked me through it. I almost fell asleep if it weren't for the fact that I had to concentrate on not moving. No obnoxious loud noises like the MRI. No crazy itchings. It was decent and manageable. Just pre-scan bad memories. Hope to get the results in a day or two. Let's just say that I stayed close to the restroom for the rest of this day. Have not been feeling too thirsty yet. Interesting new expereinces. Yes, this is my life. Luckily, I can laugh about it now looking back. May you all appreciate your freedom to use the restroom at will. I know I do.
Visited with our surgeon, Dr. Tittensor. Recovery is progressing well. She snipped my stitch and pulled out the long tubes that were draining junk out of me that I have been wearing since surgery day. Oh that was such not a delight. Thanks for letting me squeeze your hand, Brendon. I do love that man. Spoke a lot about where to go from here. It looks like my tumor was a stage 3A and 7.1 cm. That seems big. Cancer found in 2 of the 8 lymph nodes. That's not bad. Margins of tumor are clean meaning they believe they got it all. We spoke about a lot of things, causing me to feel a bit overwhelmed. Lots to think about, and lots of uncertainties when it comes to cancer. But we do feel that we are over one o the biggest parts of this journey--getting the cancer out. I admit that I usually cry on appointment days. I don't feel like giving up but I do feel overwhelmed and scared. I know I should not doubt or fear. I am trying. I have my moments of weakness. Spent the rest of the day feeling a bit mellow and pensive. We meet with the oncologist in one day to learn about our next step in beating this cancer..the chemo and full recovery. So all in all, lots of progress today and I am happy to be free of the tubes. Now I need to heal from the hole they left in me. Ugh. Lots of love
Visited with our surgeon, Dr. Tittensor. Recovery is progressing well. She snipped my stitch and pulled out the long tubes that were draining junk out of me that I have been wearing since surgery day. Oh that was such not a delight. Thanks for letting me squeeze your hand, Brendon. I do love that man. Spoke a lot about where to go from here. It looks like my tumor was a stage 3A and 7.1 cm. That seems big. Cancer found in 2 of the 8 lymph nodes. That's not bad. Margins of tumor are clean meaning they believe they got it all. We spoke about a lot of things, causing me to feel a bit overwhelmed. Lots to think about, and lots of uncertainties when it comes to cancer. But we do feel that we are over one o the biggest parts of this journey--getting the cancer out. I admit that I usually cry on appointment days. I don't feel like giving up but I do feel overwhelmed and scared. I know I should not doubt or fear. I am trying. I have my moments of weakness. Spent the rest of the day feeling a bit mellow and pensive. We meet with the oncologist in one day to learn about our next step in beating this cancer..the chemo and full recovery. So all in all, lots of progress today and I am happy to be free of the tubes. Now I need to heal from the hole they left in me. Ugh. Lots of love
Saturday, September 11, 2010
MRI or die...which to choose?
Ahhhh....my MRI experience. What to say? I suppose I should start out by saying it was not THAT bad for what I am about to describe may lean towards the over-dramatic. I am simply descriptive. But me NO LIKEY my MRI experience. Of course I would rather not die than have an MRI but during the actual experience, the thought crosses the mind. Brendon was as good as gold to go with me knowing he would be sitting in the waiting room the entire time. He refuses to have me do any of this alone. I won't complain. Not knowing what to expect with this I asked the lady before me how it was and she said to just keep my eyes closed, keep my ear plugs in and just breathe. My mother had shared my dear, sweet grandma Bacon's MRI experience relaying her deep fear of enclosed areas. She just prayed & pleaded through it all. Well, knowing I can't go through any enclosed tubes at water parks without panicking, I knew this would not be so much fun.
They lead you into a sealed up room where I laid down flat on my stomach with holes cut out for my chest area and my head placed on a head rest like one may find when getting a massage. Only apparantly a massage is not included. I asked. For the amount of money an MRI costs, it's the LEAST they could do--ease our anxiety after the fact with a good rub down. I was told I should not move, that they would be able to comunicate with me and tell me how long each test would take, and I could squeeze something if I needed to get their attention. I found myself contiually adjusting my pants, trying to get comfortable. No way was I going to have a wedgy for a whole 30 min. test and not be able to do anything about it. I was quite concerned for that. I closed my eyes and could feel me slowly moving backward. There was no mistaking the feeling of being completely enclosed about. I hunkered down, beginning my deep breathing, trying to get to my "happy place." After a while I noticed my face was quite squished in the head rest so I slowly began to inch my face back and forth to move it around, careful to not disturb moving my body. I realized what a sight that must look. Then came the itches. Oh..they were all in my mind, I'm sure, but I had to concentrate hard on my breathing to distracting my mind & trick my body to will those itches away. Then came the coughing spasm. Having left my sunday school clas the previous day for coughing too much, I knew if I let loose with one cough, I was a goner and there was NO way I was starting that MRI over. I prayed, and breathed through my nose, then my mouth, back and forth, forcing my thoughts away from coughing. I thought of my wedding day, each of the births of my children, and finally rested on my role as Mrs. Brice this past summer on the Scera stage--going through all my lines, songs, and choreography. Each time a test was to begin she would tell me the time it would take and I would start counting, knowing I could make it through 1 min. or 2 1/2 min. etc. But the NOISE!! the noise, noise noise, noise (I sound like the Grinch). Why I thought I could take a little nap during this scan is beyond me. I thought I'd get a little vacation from my chidren with some peace and quiet. My children are meek as mice compared to the sounds blasting in my ears. And I realized too...they forgot to give me some ear plugs like the lady before me told me to get! Ahhh! Those loud blasts caused my heart to jump almost every time and made it hard to stay in my happy place for long. About 20 min. into the scan they injected this dye to further help with their analysis. That meant only 10 min. left. I thought I could do that but I was wrong. Only seconds later I had HAD it. I was done and I wanted OUT. My chest and head hurt, I could almost no longer will my fears away and I was losing my mind. I began to pray and breathe and pray and breathe more and more until it finally ended. After coming out, I turned to see just how small that hole is I felt trapped in for those 30 min. Oh the humanity. Just glad I had not looked beforehand. I joined Brendon. He looked at me funny wondering what all the red marks were around my face. I went home and cried and feel asleep, feeling quite woozy & yucky. I was surprised how ill and lethargic I felt afterward. I am proud of myself for getting through that with mere sheer will power but do hope not to have to repeat again someday. Dramatic? Yes, but actually going through it has brought on new found emotions never explored. And now, it'll just be a memory to laugh about. Let me know if you would like me to demonstrate the noise of the MRI in person. It's a peach. All in all, I am so happy to be alive and experiencing all sorts of new adventures that will make good stories someday. Nervous to meet the surgeon tommorrow but ready to get on with the show here.
They lead you into a sealed up room where I laid down flat on my stomach with holes cut out for my chest area and my head placed on a head rest like one may find when getting a massage. Only apparantly a massage is not included. I asked. For the amount of money an MRI costs, it's the LEAST they could do--ease our anxiety after the fact with a good rub down. I was told I should not move, that they would be able to comunicate with me and tell me how long each test would take, and I could squeeze something if I needed to get their attention. I found myself contiually adjusting my pants, trying to get comfortable. No way was I going to have a wedgy for a whole 30 min. test and not be able to do anything about it. I was quite concerned for that. I closed my eyes and could feel me slowly moving backward. There was no mistaking the feeling of being completely enclosed about. I hunkered down, beginning my deep breathing, trying to get to my "happy place." After a while I noticed my face was quite squished in the head rest so I slowly began to inch my face back and forth to move it around, careful to not disturb moving my body. I realized what a sight that must look. Then came the itches. Oh..they were all in my mind, I'm sure, but I had to concentrate hard on my breathing to distracting my mind & trick my body to will those itches away. Then came the coughing spasm. Having left my sunday school clas the previous day for coughing too much, I knew if I let loose with one cough, I was a goner and there was NO way I was starting that MRI over. I prayed, and breathed through my nose, then my mouth, back and forth, forcing my thoughts away from coughing. I thought of my wedding day, each of the births of my children, and finally rested on my role as Mrs. Brice this past summer on the Scera stage--going through all my lines, songs, and choreography. Each time a test was to begin she would tell me the time it would take and I would start counting, knowing I could make it through 1 min. or 2 1/2 min. etc. But the NOISE!! the noise, noise noise, noise (I sound like the Grinch). Why I thought I could take a little nap during this scan is beyond me. I thought I'd get a little vacation from my chidren with some peace and quiet. My children are meek as mice compared to the sounds blasting in my ears. And I realized too...they forgot to give me some ear plugs like the lady before me told me to get! Ahhh! Those loud blasts caused my heart to jump almost every time and made it hard to stay in my happy place for long. About 20 min. into the scan they injected this dye to further help with their analysis. That meant only 10 min. left. I thought I could do that but I was wrong. Only seconds later I had HAD it. I was done and I wanted OUT. My chest and head hurt, I could almost no longer will my fears away and I was losing my mind. I began to pray and breathe and pray and breathe more and more until it finally ended. After coming out, I turned to see just how small that hole is I felt trapped in for those 30 min. Oh the humanity. Just glad I had not looked beforehand. I joined Brendon. He looked at me funny wondering what all the red marks were around my face. I went home and cried and feel asleep, feeling quite woozy & yucky. I was surprised how ill and lethargic I felt afterward. I am proud of myself for getting through that with mere sheer will power but do hope not to have to repeat again someday. Dramatic? Yes, but actually going through it has brought on new found emotions never explored. And now, it'll just be a memory to laugh about. Let me know if you would like me to demonstrate the noise of the MRI in person. It's a peach. All in all, I am so happy to be alive and experiencing all sorts of new adventures that will make good stories someday. Nervous to meet the surgeon tommorrow but ready to get on with the show here.
My great YW Yayhoo's!
This morning with children off staying with their two awesome cousins, Brittany and Kelly Bluth (thank you so much girls-love you for that!) Brendon allowed me to sleep in a bit. No complaints against that from me. Slow, tired morning. Got up and fixed my own fried eggs for the first time and thought that to be something of an accomplishment. Soon after my dearest friend, Crystal, shows up to announce that my sweet YW girls had just played their first church volleyball game that morning and wanted to drop by for a visit. Put on my robe to join them outside only to find them forming a pyramid and chanting our ward cheer for me. I literally think that my owie condition just may be cheered away by these energetic and loving girls. We had a great visit as they walked me around the cul-de-sac two times. We made quite a spectacul with my cheering mob of girls walking this feeble lady around in my pajamas and robe while YW leaders took picture and video like paparazzi. Everyone of them had tie-dyed their team shirts the night before in pink and white in honor of me (thanks for heading that up Brynn). What a sight!! I was absolutely thrilled and very touched by the calibur of thoughtfulness in these young girls hearts. Had to take a nap after all that excitement wore me out. They apparantly did not win their volleyball game but they did score many points and are definitly winners in team spirit!!!! Who can beat that?! I am so blessed to serve in this calling. What a great start to my day! Love you YW girls and leaders!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
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