Thoughts

Had a fantastic thanksgiving with great people, lots of noisy kids,  and great food!!I have had some really great days since the chemo #3.  That was a tough one.  My dad explained to me that by the 3rd round my body's immune system is at it's very low and just has no fight left whatsoever so chemo's negative effects were more severe.  More nausea than ever, more debilitating fatigue.  Brendon was amazing.  During my worst day he ran our children here, there, and everywhere to get them where they needed to be.  It was absolutely crazy and I was helpless.  I do love him.  Family took over keeping our kids for overnighters in order to keep me free of illness.  Neighbors brought meals. Bless them all.  I have to say, it was quiet around here.  Normally that would be dreamy for a tired mom who may need a break but, though necessary, I was lonely and discouraged to be laying around feeling helpless, useless, ill and utterly, depressingly fatigued.  It is not in my nature and I do not like it.  Maybe this next round I will watch some uplifting Christmas shows to keep the spirits high.  I find myself anxious going in for chemo 4 this thurs. Dec.2.  Had a bit of a meltdown last night.  Brendon stopped what he was doing and just listened to me.  So great.  Knowing what's coming doesn't help and I sense that feeling of dread build up in me.  I also feel such pressure to get everything done beforehand knowing that I will be out of commission for a week or so.  Crazy, I know.  That doesn't seem like too many days but I feel like I just can't keep up with everything going on right now.  I am constantly playing catch up.  My kids activities, my  church calling, our families, scheduled appointments, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, and all the little things that come our way.  I lose touch with life outside myself.  But it will all work out.  The Lord has blessed me in ways that I know are personally for me.  I believe that.  We will get done what needs to be and the rest can deal with it.  Good days are ahead.  I do love eggnog and yummy breakfasts.  Some things to be grateful for.  Loves and Besos

Chemo #3

Chemo #3 brutal.  Am I too old to cry out for my mommy?  Tough weekend.  Worse than the first two chemos.  Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this.  Either I think of it as 3 down, half way done-YEAH! or.... I really just CAN'T do this three more times.  But I know when this week is over I will have some really great days to strengthen my gumption to gear up and do it again.  Thanksgiving should be good!  In the meantime, please pass quickly yucky chemo week.  I miss me.

Cancer Kindness

I often marvel at the realization that it has really only been about 2 months since the start of this crazy cancer adventure.  That is not very long to digest and wrap my brain around all that I have experienced and learned.  How life can come to a hault so quickly.  And yet I have gone through such an ordeal beyond what I could have ever imagined.  There is something I have noticed.  I feel me coming back to life slowly as I recover from my initial surgery.  I've been out and about more.  The love and concern from my dear  neighbors, friends, family who are women is always there and I can understand their support.  What has surprised me is the love and concern from the husbands of neighbors, friends, and family AND from total strangers.  When I walk down the hall at church or through my neighborhood, I am stopped by wonderful well wishers who do not pass quickly.  They stop and really talk to me with genuine concern in their eyes.  Heartfelt questions are asked on how I am holding up.  People hug me, hold my hand, pat my shoulder and listen.  Strangers feel an instant connection to me and want to be extra helpful in whatever I need.  One experience is especially memorable for me that happened this week. I was at a kiosk in the middle of the mall trying on a new hat.  I had taken my hat off to try the new one on.  My hair is just about gone and I look baldy.  A stranger quickly walked by me and comment, "You look really cute in that hat and you look really good without the hat too."  I was taken aback but managed to throw out a thank you as she disappeared.  So that's what it feels like....to receive a compliment out of the blue by a complete stranger and know they really mean it.  I like to do that to others because I always think that I would want to know if someone thought something nice about me.  Now I was on the receiving end and IT FEELS GREAT!  She may not know but she made my day, helping me feel a bit more confident.  Cancer really does bring out great kindness and compassion in others.   Compliment someone today for ANY reason at all.  It is a great feeling and you never know the good you can do!

Chemo brain

I have turned dumb....pretty dumb.
Somebody explained it to me.  It's called "chemo brain."  Happy to know it's not just me.  I knew there would be nausea, sickness, pain, etc. but I did not know I'd get dumb.  Chemo brain is a general foggy, fuzzy brain that can't seem to think right.  I do not retain information like before.  Difficulty with organization.  I often cannot think of a word I need to say so something random comes out instead.  I forget a lot.  I never get my children's names straight (well honestly, that was an issue before--I have 6 of them for heavens sake and there's a bunch of "B" ones).  I have trouble remembering past experiences.  I've had my issues before for I know I'm not the brightest bunch in the group (don't get me started on that Geography stuff) but this is really different and it is strange.  We just laugh about it.  Oh well, at least I've still got my health....Oh yeah, well at least I still have my good looks....Okay... that may be debatable--in fact I just had to ask my husband how to spell debatable.  Yeah, I can't spell anymore either.  Chemo brain at work.  Oh well, I know I got something...I just can't make my brain think of what it is right now.:)