Family Night at Temple Square

Dec. 13 our family went up to stay at the Kimball hotel with my sister Charalece and her family.  We met at Crown Burger, kind of a tradition to eat there.  Yummy food but soon discovered not so good for my tummy during this time of my life.  I have learned I have to be careful with a few things I eat.  Greasy stuff especially.  We then returned to the hotel and walked down to temple square to see the Christmas lights.  It was a really fun night and very calm weather.  We spent the night at the hotel with kids sleeping everywhere.  Fun memory with cousins.  Slept in the next morning and took the kids to school just a little late.  We don't do that often but thought it would be a fun get away and Christmas memory.  Loved it!
     Dec. 15th Jaxson rocked out with his friend, John on their guitars duuring lunch hour at their Jr. High for "Battle of the Bands."  They call themselves "The Band."  They were awesome and are really good.  I was so happy to be there cheering him on with John's parents, Hollie and John.  We bought Jaxson his new guitar for Chritmas and gave it to him a little early so he could maximize his rock out!  Well done!

Dayton kids at Temple Square in SLC

Jaxson (left) and John--"The Band"

4th Chemo

My 4th Chemo was on Dec. 3, 2010.  All went well and normal.  After checking my blood they determined my levels to be low but that is expected and so they proceeded with the chemo.  I have a little singing group of just under 40 kids and our 1st performance was that very same night at the Festival of Trees.  Somehow when I scheduled the performance way back in the summer I didn't plan on cancer and chemo fell right on the same day as the Festival.  What do ya do? You just do it.  Chemo makes me feel quite yucky and tired right on the initial day so I was a bit worried about maybe getting a rest in before the night.  Turns out that wasn't to be.  With 5 of my own kids to get ready and making sure we got there in plenty of time, no rest was allowed.  I did not feel well but it turned out to be the best thing for me.  What a great distraction.  I didn't have time to focus on how lousy I was feeling.  I was able to focus on those great kids and all their families who came to watch and support.  Those kids were incredible!  They performed better than I have ever seen.  It was a blast to be a part of and I love them all!  I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to teach them a few Christmas songs to perform.  So Fun!  And of course the Festival of Trees is such an amazing event with a wonderful spirit of giving and love there.  My little group has performed a few more times this Christmas season but that Festival of Trees was our best.  I teared up in gratitude for a chance to be there and watch all their hard work performed so darling.  It was a blast!
     This 4th round of chemo was awful as expected but not as bad as the 3rd.  Just the normal bad week with two good weeks to follow.  It seems to take just a little more each time to get my giddy-yup back but it eventually comes and I continue trottin' again.  Once again, I am convinced the prayers of family and friends are heard by the Lord who has blessed our family with great days.  I have also been so grateful to one of my best friends since childhood, Ali Rae, who has made the effort before each chemo to take me to the temple with her.  My sister, Charalece, came this last time as well and we had such a great , peaceful experience.  We were reminded by the sealer that we go to the temple out of obedience and service, to renew the Holy Ghost in us, and now the Lord would consecrate our performance.  (2 Nephi 32:9).  We all left a little teary-eyed feeling the spirit witness that truth to us. It was a Good day.  

Thoughts

Had a fantastic thanksgiving with great people, lots of noisy kids,  and great food!!I have had some really great days since the chemo #3.  That was a tough one.  My dad explained to me that by the 3rd round my body's immune system is at it's very low and just has no fight left whatsoever so chemo's negative effects were more severe.  More nausea than ever, more debilitating fatigue.  Brendon was amazing.  During my worst day he ran our children here, there, and everywhere to get them where they needed to be.  It was absolutely crazy and I was helpless.  I do love him.  Family took over keeping our kids for overnighters in order to keep me free of illness.  Neighbors brought meals. Bless them all.  I have to say, it was quiet around here.  Normally that would be dreamy for a tired mom who may need a break but, though necessary, I was lonely and discouraged to be laying around feeling helpless, useless, ill and utterly, depressingly fatigued.  It is not in my nature and I do not like it.  Maybe this next round I will watch some uplifting Christmas shows to keep the spirits high.  I find myself anxious going in for chemo 4 this thurs. Dec.2.  Had a bit of a meltdown last night.  Brendon stopped what he was doing and just listened to me.  So great.  Knowing what's coming doesn't help and I sense that feeling of dread build up in me.  I also feel such pressure to get everything done beforehand knowing that I will be out of commission for a week or so.  Crazy, I know.  That doesn't seem like too many days but I feel like I just can't keep up with everything going on right now.  I am constantly playing catch up.  My kids activities, my  church calling, our families, scheduled appointments, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, and all the little things that come our way.  I lose touch with life outside myself.  But it will all work out.  The Lord has blessed me in ways that I know are personally for me.  I believe that.  We will get done what needs to be and the rest can deal with it.  Good days are ahead.  I do love eggnog and yummy breakfasts.  Some things to be grateful for.  Loves and Besos

Chemo #3

Chemo #3 brutal.  Am I too old to cry out for my mommy?  Tough weekend.  Worse than the first two chemos.  Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this.  Either I think of it as 3 down, half way done-YEAH! or.... I really just CAN'T do this three more times.  But I know when this week is over I will have some really great days to strengthen my gumption to gear up and do it again.  Thanksgiving should be good!  In the meantime, please pass quickly yucky chemo week.  I miss me.

Cancer Kindness

I often marvel at the realization that it has really only been about 2 months since the start of this crazy cancer adventure.  That is not very long to digest and wrap my brain around all that I have experienced and learned.  How life can come to a hault so quickly.  And yet I have gone through such an ordeal beyond what I could have ever imagined.  There is something I have noticed.  I feel me coming back to life slowly as I recover from my initial surgery.  I've been out and about more.  The love and concern from my dear  neighbors, friends, family who are women is always there and I can understand their support.  What has surprised me is the love and concern from the husbands of neighbors, friends, and family AND from total strangers.  When I walk down the hall at church or through my neighborhood, I am stopped by wonderful well wishers who do not pass quickly.  They stop and really talk to me with genuine concern in their eyes.  Heartfelt questions are asked on how I am holding up.  People hug me, hold my hand, pat my shoulder and listen.  Strangers feel an instant connection to me and want to be extra helpful in whatever I need.  One experience is especially memorable for me that happened this week. I was at a kiosk in the middle of the mall trying on a new hat.  I had taken my hat off to try the new one on.  My hair is just about gone and I look baldy.  A stranger quickly walked by me and comment, "You look really cute in that hat and you look really good without the hat too."  I was taken aback but managed to throw out a thank you as she disappeared.  So that's what it feels like....to receive a compliment out of the blue by a complete stranger and know they really mean it.  I like to do that to others because I always think that I would want to know if someone thought something nice about me.  Now I was on the receiving end and IT FEELS GREAT!  She may not know but she made my day, helping me feel a bit more confident.  Cancer really does bring out great kindness and compassion in others.   Compliment someone today for ANY reason at all.  It is a great feeling and you never know the good you can do!

Chemo brain

I have turned dumb....pretty dumb.
Somebody explained it to me.  It's called "chemo brain."  Happy to know it's not just me.  I knew there would be nausea, sickness, pain, etc. but I did not know I'd get dumb.  Chemo brain is a general foggy, fuzzy brain that can't seem to think right.  I do not retain information like before.  Difficulty with organization.  I often cannot think of a word I need to say so something random comes out instead.  I forget a lot.  I never get my children's names straight (well honestly, that was an issue before--I have 6 of them for heavens sake and there's a bunch of "B" ones).  I have trouble remembering past experiences.  I've had my issues before for I know I'm not the brightest bunch in the group (don't get me started on that Geography stuff) but this is really different and it is strange.  We just laugh about it.  Oh well, at least I've still got my health....Oh yeah, well at least I still have my good looks....Okay... that may be debatable--in fact I just had to ask my husband how to spell debatable.  Yeah, I can't spell anymore either.  Chemo brain at work.  Oh well, I know I got something...I just can't make my brain think of what it is right now.:)

Head Shaving Party!

Here we go....

Tonight I decided to go ahead and shave my head.  This was a hard decision for me.  I still have a lot of hair.  In fact, Dr. Bott couldn't believe I still had so much hair.  Same with the ladies at chemo.  The good thing is that my hair is already so short.   But, it is falling out like crazy.  It is shedding all over my pillow and comes out with great ease just running my hands through it.  I have to blow dry it over the bath tub to catch the falling hair but it still gets everywhere.   Now my scalp is quite tender as well.  It feels like someone is pulling my hair with a sunburned scalp.  Not very pleasant.  So, I figured it was about time. I knew some family wanted to be there for the whole freak show hair shaving thing so I decided to make a little party out of it.  I ordered some breast cancer pink ribbon donuts specially made and dipped in pink frosting and had pink and chocolate milk.  I was committed.  However, as people began to show they too couldn't believe how much hair I still had.  I started second guessing myself thinking maybe I should just go as long as I can and keep my hair.  But I already got the donuts, people were coming, plans were made.  What do I do now?  I recognize now a little bit of panic to the upcoming change going on.  I had to remind myself how much hair was coming out and what a mess it was making everywhere.  I was ready to do this.  I let anyone who wanted to come and tug out my hair.  It is quite fascinating how easy it pulls out.  A little freaky buy funny too.   Bit of a sensitive head but not too bad.  Mostly just kids who took me up on that.  Brendon got a good 'ol yank.  I felt that.   And then, with family, friends, and neighbors, and lots of wide-eyed kids gathered round, Brendon began the shave.  We decided to have a little fun so he shaved the sides first leaving me with a sweet mohawk for a picture or two.   Then it all came off.  Just a buzz.  Little by little.  Buffy, my sister-in-law and my personal greatest hairdresser, helped to clean in up a bit and shave the pink ribbon symbol in my hair.  I was feeling pretty good about everything, Ok....slightly freaked, but I was holding it together well until I looked up and saw my dad's face as he began to tear up.  And then, I lost it too.  The water works began to fall.  I wasn't really sad as much as  maybe just reacting to the whole change of everything.  The love and support of this whole group of people was overwhelming to me.  I was a bit embarrassed as they all stood in a semi circle around me with their anxious expressions.  But, when it was all over and done with, the compliments flew.  So much support and love and wonderful expressions given.  I decided that is why we include people in our moments of trial and difficulties.  I was filled with love and confidence from all.  Although, I did wonder many times what was REALLY going through their heads (like...."what has she done?" or "Oh, the horror of it all!").  I felt like a celebrity with all the flashing lights from their cameras to capture the crazy moments.  All in all, I can't believe I did it, it feels different, but good and I am OK with this change.  Just another part of this whole cancer process.  I am confident that is because of such amazing support and love from everyone.  Thank you for taking your Friday night plans to spend it with us.  Finished the night off by going to a movie with Kenn and Allison and the kids.  What a great night for me.  So good to laugh and feel happy!

pulling out my hair--oooo, so fun!

Baldy love!

yummy donut treats

my best look yet

who do I look take more like now?  love u mom & dad!

love my Bluth sissy's!

Love my Dayton sissy's!

mugshot skin head club members