Thoughts

Had a fantastic thanksgiving with great people, lots of noisy kids,  and great food!!I have had some really great days since the chemo #3.  That was a tough one.  My dad explained to me that by the 3rd round my body's immune system is at it's very low and just has no fight left whatsoever so chemo's negative effects were more severe.  More nausea than ever, more debilitating fatigue.  Brendon was amazing.  During my worst day he ran our children here, there, and everywhere to get them where they needed to be.  It was absolutely crazy and I was helpless.  I do love him.  Family took over keeping our kids for overnighters in order to keep me free of illness.  Neighbors brought meals. Bless them all.  I have to say, it was quiet around here.  Normally that would be dreamy for a tired mom who may need a break but, though necessary, I was lonely and discouraged to be laying around feeling helpless, useless, ill and utterly, depressingly fatigued.  It is not in my nature and I do not like it.  Maybe this next round I will watch some uplifting Christmas shows to keep the spirits high.  I find myself anxious going in for chemo 4 this thurs. Dec.2.  Had a bit of a meltdown last night.  Brendon stopped what he was doing and just listened to me.  So great.  Knowing what's coming doesn't help and I sense that feeling of dread build up in me.  I also feel such pressure to get everything done beforehand knowing that I will be out of commission for a week or so.  Crazy, I know.  That doesn't seem like too many days but I feel like I just can't keep up with everything going on right now.  I am constantly playing catch up.  My kids activities, my  church calling, our families, scheduled appointments, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, and all the little things that come our way.  I lose touch with life outside myself.  But it will all work out.  The Lord has blessed me in ways that I know are personally for me.  I believe that.  We will get done what needs to be and the rest can deal with it.  Good days are ahead.  I do love eggnog and yummy breakfasts.  Some things to be grateful for.  Loves and Besos

Chemo #3

Chemo #3 brutal.  Am I too old to cry out for my mommy?  Tough weekend.  Worse than the first two chemos.  Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this.  Either I think of it as 3 down, half way done-YEAH! or.... I really just CAN'T do this three more times.  But I know when this week is over I will have some really great days to strengthen my gumption to gear up and do it again.  Thanksgiving should be good!  In the meantime, please pass quickly yucky chemo week.  I miss me.

Cancer Kindness

I often marvel at the realization that it has really only been about 2 months since the start of this crazy cancer adventure.  That is not very long to digest and wrap my brain around all that I have experienced and learned.  How life can come to a hault so quickly.  And yet I have gone through such an ordeal beyond what I could have ever imagined.  There is something I have noticed.  I feel me coming back to life slowly as I recover from my initial surgery.  I've been out and about more.  The love and concern from my dear  neighbors, friends, family who are women is always there and I can understand their support.  What has surprised me is the love and concern from the husbands of neighbors, friends, and family AND from total strangers.  When I walk down the hall at church or through my neighborhood, I am stopped by wonderful well wishers who do not pass quickly.  They stop and really talk to me with genuine concern in their eyes.  Heartfelt questions are asked on how I am holding up.  People hug me, hold my hand, pat my shoulder and listen.  Strangers feel an instant connection to me and want to be extra helpful in whatever I need.  One experience is especially memorable for me that happened this week. I was at a kiosk in the middle of the mall trying on a new hat.  I had taken my hat off to try the new one on.  My hair is just about gone and I look baldy.  A stranger quickly walked by me and comment, "You look really cute in that hat and you look really good without the hat too."  I was taken aback but managed to throw out a thank you as she disappeared.  So that's what it feels like....to receive a compliment out of the blue by a complete stranger and know they really mean it.  I like to do that to others because I always think that I would want to know if someone thought something nice about me.  Now I was on the receiving end and IT FEELS GREAT!  She may not know but she made my day, helping me feel a bit more confident.  Cancer really does bring out great kindness and compassion in others.   Compliment someone today for ANY reason at all.  It is a great feeling and you never know the good you can do!

Chemo brain

I have turned dumb....pretty dumb.
Somebody explained it to me.  It's called "chemo brain."  Happy to know it's not just me.  I knew there would be nausea, sickness, pain, etc. but I did not know I'd get dumb.  Chemo brain is a general foggy, fuzzy brain that can't seem to think right.  I do not retain information like before.  Difficulty with organization.  I often cannot think of a word I need to say so something random comes out instead.  I forget a lot.  I never get my children's names straight (well honestly, that was an issue before--I have 6 of them for heavens sake and there's a bunch of "B" ones).  I have trouble remembering past experiences.  I've had my issues before for I know I'm not the brightest bunch in the group (don't get me started on that Geography stuff) but this is really different and it is strange.  We just laugh about it.  Oh well, at least I've still got my health....Oh yeah, well at least I still have my good looks....Okay... that may be debatable--in fact I just had to ask my husband how to spell debatable.  Yeah, I can't spell anymore either.  Chemo brain at work.  Oh well, I know I got something...I just can't make my brain think of what it is right now.:)

Head Shaving Party!

Here we go....

Tonight I decided to go ahead and shave my head.  This was a hard decision for me.  I still have a lot of hair.  In fact, Dr. Bott couldn't believe I still had so much hair.  Same with the ladies at chemo.  The good thing is that my hair is already so short.   But, it is falling out like crazy.  It is shedding all over my pillow and comes out with great ease just running my hands through it.  I have to blow dry it over the bath tub to catch the falling hair but it still gets everywhere.   Now my scalp is quite tender as well.  It feels like someone is pulling my hair with a sunburned scalp.  Not very pleasant.  So, I figured it was about time. I knew some family wanted to be there for the whole freak show hair shaving thing so I decided to make a little party out of it.  I ordered some breast cancer pink ribbon donuts specially made and dipped in pink frosting and had pink and chocolate milk.  I was committed.  However, as people began to show they too couldn't believe how much hair I still had.  I started second guessing myself thinking maybe I should just go as long as I can and keep my hair.  But I already got the donuts, people were coming, plans were made.  What do I do now?  I recognize now a little bit of panic to the upcoming change going on.  I had to remind myself how much hair was coming out and what a mess it was making everywhere.  I was ready to do this.  I let anyone who wanted to come and tug out my hair.  It is quite fascinating how easy it pulls out.  A little freaky buy funny too.   Bit of a sensitive head but not too bad.  Mostly just kids who took me up on that.  Brendon got a good 'ol yank.  I felt that.   And then, with family, friends, and neighbors, and lots of wide-eyed kids gathered round, Brendon began the shave.  We decided to have a little fun so he shaved the sides first leaving me with a sweet mohawk for a picture or two.   Then it all came off.  Just a buzz.  Little by little.  Buffy, my sister-in-law and my personal greatest hairdresser, helped to clean in up a bit and shave the pink ribbon symbol in my hair.  I was feeling pretty good about everything, Ok....slightly freaked, but I was holding it together well until I looked up and saw my dad's face as he began to tear up.  And then, I lost it too.  The water works began to fall.  I wasn't really sad as much as  maybe just reacting to the whole change of everything.  The love and support of this whole group of people was overwhelming to me.  I was a bit embarrassed as they all stood in a semi circle around me with their anxious expressions.  But, when it was all over and done with, the compliments flew.  So much support and love and wonderful expressions given.  I decided that is why we include people in our moments of trial and difficulties.  I was filled with love and confidence from all.  Although, I did wonder many times what was REALLY going through their heads (like...."what has she done?" or "Oh, the horror of it all!").  I felt like a celebrity with all the flashing lights from their cameras to capture the crazy moments.  All in all, I can't believe I did it, it feels different, but good and I am OK with this change.  Just another part of this whole cancer process.  I am confident that is because of such amazing support and love from everyone.  Thank you for taking your Friday night plans to spend it with us.  Finished the night off by going to a movie with Kenn and Allison and the kids.  What a great night for me.  So good to laugh and feel happy!

pulling out my hair--oooo, so fun!

Baldy love!

yummy donut treats

my best look yet

who do I look take more like now?  love u mom & dad!

love my Bluth sissy's!

Love my Dayton sissy's!

mugshot skin head club members

2nd Chemo Treatment

Today was my 2nd Chemo treatment.  Earlier this week I cried in anxious anticipation for today knowing full well what is coming.  Actually, I expected worse after talking with a few people who have gone through it themselves which, of course, only heightened my anxiety even though I am glad to be maybe a little better prepared.  I have felt so good these past few days that I feel sad to lose that and nervous for what may hit.  However, today, I have felt calm.  Ok, honestly I was a bit chatty and wandered around all morning trying to stay busy.  I could sense a bit of nervousness.  Today Brendon, my sister Lareen, and my good friend Michaun Muir came to support me during chemo.  We went in at 11am, waited for a bit, got my port hooked up, then saw Dr. Bott.  He is really wonderful.  Everything looks fine and on track.  He really put some of my concerns to rest, reminding me that everyone reacts differently to chemo and are on different chemo meds so it is difficult to make specific comparisons.  After meeting with him, they hooked me up.  The medication round is, first, the anti-nausea drug, then Benadryl which helps counter any allergic reactions to the chemo drugs.  This drug always knocks me out and makes me feel woosey.  I no likey.  Then the Taxotere chemo med starts followed by Carboplatinum and then finished off with Herceptin.  Each one takes a certain amount of time to complete.  The whole appointment time lasted 4 hours but the actual chemo treatment was about 3 hours.  Better than last time.  Once the affects of the Benadryl wore off a bit I was pretty alert and enjoyed visiting with Lareen and Michaun while Brendon did some appraisal work.  He usually sits and observes quietly.  I am so glad to have a support system come with me.  It puts me at ease and makes it much more pleasant.  Thanks for spending your time with me!  Have made some friends at chemo too and always glad for the friendship and support of Linda Shattuck, her daughter and Jill Olsen.  Linda had her last treatment.  She has been very helpful to me and I am grateful for that.  Thanks to my other sister, Charalece for bringing us lunch.  Turned out to be a much better experience than my first chemo.  Almost as enjoyable as chemo could be!:)  I drove home feeling good and calm, that everything would be fine.  I can tackle this, at least I will try to be brave.

My awesome chemo support group

Went home and slept most of the day away. A little yucky in the tummy and really tired but functionable.  So grateful to be feeling pretty good.

Michaun, me, Lareen

Gestures of empahty

I feel so great today.  Cooked chicken noodle soup and got my three youngest ready for the ward primary Halloween party, along with myself.  Yes, I LOVE to dress up and it is quite silly.  I bought a red devil's costume on a super sale last year just for fun.  I wore that (sorry Heavenly Father--I still totally CTR!).  Our ward is amazing and the kids are fantastic.  I was able to sit with the awesome Beehives to handle the face painting tables.  So cute.  I was full of happiness and energy.  Really crashed with exhaustion when I got home but perked up again with a visit from our good neighbor/friend and my great nephew and nieces, Lindon, Brittany, and Kelly who brought a yummy peach cobbler and ice cream.  They made me laugh.  Good to feel happy and feel a little more calm the night before chemo.  My kids were awesome and looked adorable and I love being with them and Brendon.  My most favorite part of the evening was talking with my good neighbors Jen Franke and her son, Jason who went through cancer and chemo etc. as a young boy.  He is now a handsome teenager.  We spoke a bit about his experience and how his mother felt about it too.  As Jason was on his way out he made sure to come over to me, take my hand and wish me good luck tomorrow with my chemo.  He had the most sincere, honest, humble, genuine look on his face.  I was absolutely taken aback. So appreciative.  His tumor was on the back of his brain and he was just a kid.  I know what he went through was far worse than I but his mom said it does not matter.  Cancer is awful for anyone.  This is true.  Still, his small gesture, as one who really knows so well and offers such empathy, absolutely pierced my heart and I felt so grateful for him.  It really calmed my spirit.  I always had a soft spot in my heart for that kid.  The first time I watched him pass the sacrament after all he had been through brought tears to my eyes.  Who knew how years later we'd be connected.  We are in the cancer club together now.  You never know how our experiences can help to buoy up another in a time of need.  Thanks Jason.  Thanks to everyone who has shown love and concern on my behalf.