The end of Annie

I have not written for a while as I have been consumed with rehearsals and performances of "Annie" at the Scera these past few months.  Tomorrow (Sat May 14) will be our final show.  I have had a blast playing Miss Hannigan and performing along side my daughters, Brinley, Bailey, and Olivia.  I am anxious to resume the home life and get back to a little more normalcy.  Still, I have loved being part of the creative process of this show and the thrill of performing.  Brendon has been so supportive and good to me once again, taking on the night watch while I am gone.  It has been a fantastic cast full of a lot of great people--some old friends and many new.   And great bunch of kids that have been crazy but so talented as the orphans.  So grateful to my director, Jennifer Reed, and choreographers, Sunny Watts, and Shawn Mortensen, and music director, Kathryn Little.  I still can't believe I walked in to that audition bald as can be and a bit sickly, still going through this cancer process, and they took a chance on me...pushing me to do my best and supportive all the way.  They made the show so awesome.  I feel so grateful to have been able to do this and push myself.  It was so hard at times.  I stressed and worried and was tired and run down so many times during rehearsals.  At times I wondered what I had gotten myself into, doubting if I could pull this part off with the effects of radiation still so strong.  I have felt the power of the Lord in helping me along this journey.  Trying to remember lines, blocking, dance moves, songs etc. finally came.   I'm grateful to have shared this experience with my daughters.  It brought some fun and joyful memories to lighten the load of some unpleasant ones of the recent past.  I am so grateful to the family, friends, and neighbors who showed up in support.  Those shows were so much fun and amazing to be surrounded with so much love.  2nd night open groups of my family and friends came to the show wearing pink in support and I could not hold back the tears at the sight. A week later more groups of neighbors and friends came in support.  And many shows since have been filled with supportive friends and family.  It is overwhelming to me.  And often folks will come up to me after the show to share their story of cancer survivor or of someone they knew.  It is humbling.  I did it.  I am happy for this opportunity and blessings which are so prevalent.    It is thrilling to work hard and feel happy.

Annie

One of my goals was to make it through some of the difficult parts of this cancer journey and come out the other end ready to keep living.  I decided to audition at the Scera for Annie the musical as Miss Hannigan a few weeks ago.  I got the part!!!  I have been cast as Miss Hannigan and my daughter Brinley is July, an orphan, and Bailey is in the ensemble.  Having both of them in the show with me is extra awesome.  I am so grateful to have this opportunity and to be on this end of those long chemo months.  I am ready to do this and so excited!  I feel this is my way of "kickin' it" to cancer and showing that we ARE survivors and still go on living.  I am tired.  I am sore.  This is going to be hard but I am committed and happy to be a part of it.  Brendon is fully supportive and so helpful.  He was just part of the Lone Peak Varsity basketball team becoming the State 5A champions as one of their assistant coaches.  That was awesome and they worked hard.  Congrats to Lone Peak!  He is a fantastic coach and they love him.  So, he was able to enjoy his extra-curricular activity and now I get to enjoy mine.  Annie runs April 22-May14th.  It is sure to be a great show!

Radiation update

It has been almost two weeks since I began radiation.  It is a trip to be going through this.  The technicians and doctor have been so informative and caring with my concerns.  I go in every work day in the morning. They align me up just right to match the grid and I lay there while this big machine stops three different times on the target area.  I have felt a little tightness on the radiation side but not redness yet.  I can feel the heat on occasion from that side.  I really have felt the fatigue.  It's hard to be feeling so tired all the time when I am trying to keep up at my usual pace.  It appears the radiation has had some affect on my throat area causing me to feel like I am swallowing glass all the time, and causing swelling.  They are adjusting the grid a bit to see if that will help.  It's painful but Radiation is much better than chemo.  Looking forward to April when this phase is over.

Setting up for Radiation

After a few weeks recovery from my very last chemo we are beginning the Radiation phase of this whole process.  I just noticed that I say "we" a lot.  I suppose this is all happening to just ME but it is a process that AL my family has gone through and been affected by so maybe that is fair to say.  Anyway, we had our first appointment with my oncology radiologist, Dr. Clark, who is incredible.  We spent quite a while discussing what to expect from radiation and it's purpose.  Basically, chemo targets the cells in my entire body through the chemotherapy drugs given intravenously through my port-o-cath, hoping to kill off any remaining cancer cells.  Radiation will now target only the area were the cancer was found, in my left breast area.  It is like getting an x-ray.  From what we understand Radiation will cause fatigue and sunburn to the area being radiated.  We learned a lot today and our doctor is so good to us.  Then they set me up.  This part of the appointment took just under an hour of me laying flat with my arms above my head so they could measure out the area that will be targeted.  It was fascinating to see the precision with which they use.  My body was contorted to lay just so.  Every millimeter mattered.  It was painful to lay with my arms up for so long in a funny position.  I finally had to ask if I could put them down but was denied or it changed the grid they were mapping out on me.  Again...fascinating.  I also received my first tattoos which are really only little freckle dots that mark the region.  But that hurt too.  A little ink on the spot and then a pin prick.  About 8 of those.  I'll never be a good tattoo candidate.  I'm a wuss.  I do hate all these doctors appointments.  There is such a vulnerability I feel when I experience a new test or process.  Still, I feel this is the right course for me and trust my doctors with my care.  Radiation starts in 2 days.  It is scheduled for every work day Monday-Friday for 6 weeks.  That is 28 times.  The actual radiation appointment should take only about 20 minutes.  Here we go with the next round of this cancer process.    

6th and final chemo treatment

Well, it was a go!! 6th and final chemo was yesterday (thurs.) on a beautiful sunny, birds-chirping, angels singing, rainbows and bucket of gold kinda day.  Maybe that's just how I felt to have it happen.  Levels were still a bit low but where they needed to be to continue.  Looks like I am taking a beating like Rocky when he fights againstApollo Creed,  Mr. T, and Ivan Drago ("I. WILL. BREAK. YOU.").  After a few rounds of getting a beating, my cells, blood, and heart are just not as strong and resilient.  But I am planning on coming back with a good whoopin' of my own.  Why can't the Rocky theme music just spontaneously play outloud in my life like it does in my head?  That would be awesome!  I'll work on that.  After much thought the Dr. decided to lower the dosage of chemo 1/3rd since it has been too toxic for my body the last two treatments.  Not desirable but he has no choice.  He doesn't want to kill me on the very last one.  Thank you for that.  All should be just fine.  Radiation begins in about 1 month.  So the schedule is to feel yucky for the week and then party planning shall resume.  Thanks for your thoughts and support.  Love you all.  

#6 chemo support group
Brandalee, Brendon, Audralyn, DeLonne w/ kids, me, mom

6th Chemo....psych!

My 6th and final chemo was scheduled for Jan. 17, 2011.  There was great rejoicing and happy anticipation for this chemo.  Is it possible to rejoice for a chemo?  More like we were excited to be done with this leg of the journey.  My most excellent big sister, Audralyn, came up from Katy, Texas to be with me for this last chemo and help take care of me and my family all the next "sick" week.  I was so looking forward to have her be a slug with me.  I felt prepared and ready.  The night before, all the YW and leaders in my ward had a "congrats on your last chemo" party for me with pink balloons, cupcakes, and the dearest notes expressing their love and support.  I was ready to go.  Still, I couldn't help but feel like maybe it wasn't going to happen.  I didn't want to be a stinkin' thinkin' kinda gal but I had noticed a lot of bruising on my legs, knowing that may very well be the result of low  levels.  Upon meeting with the doctor he thought it was my 5th chemo.  I was QUITE sure I have been counting and it was my 6th and final.  As he looked up my info and read my blood levels, he announced, "Well, this would have been your 6th.  We will not be doing chemo today."  I was devastated.  My mom was there, my Texas sister, and my oldest brother, Larry, who had taken the day off from work.  I was stunned and really bummed.  The doctor said he did not know how I was walking around with my levels so low.  He could not understand why my body is reacting the way it is.  Everyone is different.  Mostly, I felt fine and dandy but as he questioned me, I realized that was why I was so out of breath, so tired, and bruising so easily.  He directed me immediately the next day to get a blood transfusion.  I guess my state was a little more alarming than I realized.
I still received the Herceptin medication but I left feeling just about the same as when I came.  We decided to go to lunch to celebrate just being together.  My oldest brother, Larry with all of his sisters and my mom.  I was in a bit of a mourning state and very sad.  It is frustrating to continue to try and schedule my life only to be reminded that I am not in control here.  How is it that my body can be so foxy on the outside yet so sick on the inside?:)  Went home totally wiped out, white as a ghost.  Enjoyed a dinner with my family and parents provided by my younger brother, Brian (who lives in Oklahoma and arranged it for us to help during chemo).  Oh yeah--I didn't have chemo....blasted!
And so, I spent 8 hours the very next day receiving some wonderfully generous stranger peoples blood.  4 units exactly.  The nurses couldn't believe I was walking in there with so much pep.  I didn't really know I shouldn't have pep.  They explained to us that if you place sand, dirt, rocks, and gravel in a jar then fill it with water the levels are good.  But take away all the dirt, gravel, etc. substance and the water level lowers.  The dirt represents my cells that chemo is killing off so without them (red, white, platelets) then the blood level decreases greatly.  To give an example, my platelet level was at 18, but needed to be between 130-440.  They could not remember the last time they gave 4 units of blood to someone.  Sure must be special.   Audralyn and I sat and chatted soon to be joined by my other sisters, Charalece, DeLonne, and Lareen, and my mom, Dayton in-laws,  great friend Michaun, and wonderful husband, Brendon.  It was deemed the "party room" whenever someone came.  Although the experience felt a little creepy,and definitely not desired at all, it turned out to be a great time visiting with loved ones.
How lucky am I to just be able to visit for 8 hours straight with awesome people!
Now my REAL 6th and last chemo is scheduled for tomorrow, Thurs. Jan. 27.  Well, let us pray that it happens.  I did feel better after receiving my new blood and am sure I either got blood from an extra menopausal woman or some spicy Latin blood cause my hot flashes have sure kicked it up a notch this past week.  "I'm hot blooded" as the 80's song proclaims.  I have endured all the vampire jabs and jokes of all the multiple personalities I have absorbed into my blood.  One brother, Greg, offered to give me his BYU blue blood.  So generous.  Well, here's to hoping for the best.

Friend & sisters group attending the temple the morning of chemo #6.  Ali Rae Mecham (pretty much my sister), and sisters Audralyn, DeLonne, me, Lareen, & Charalece

#6 Fake chemo treatment support group.  Mom, Larry (oldest brother), DeLonne, (twin sister), her son Ashton & daughter Brooklyn, and Audralyn (older sister).  No chemo this day because of low blood levels.  

5th Chemo--A real Merry Christmas

Thurs., Dec. 23 was the scheduled date for my 5th chemo.  We were not super excited about that knowing the beginning of the hard days would fall on Christmas.  Still, we are well aware that one "hard" Christmas of chemo will hopefully allow me many more wonderful Christmases in the future.  And so, we were well prepared mentally for the occasion.  We made sure presents were bought and wrapped beforehand.  In fact, my wonderful neighbors have come in each week to help clean my home, helping in that capacity, and one great friend, Tawnie, stayed behind to help wrap gifts with me.  What a wonderous act of kindness that was as I, in turn, was able to focus on doing activities with my kids and create some fun memories.  Brendon took Jaxson and Bridger down with him on Dec. 20 to help coach the Lone Peak basketball team in a tournament in St. George (they won).  They had a blast for 4 days.  I stayed behind for fun with our 4 girls. My in-laws took us out to dinner, on the 20th-- always a treat.  We celebrated Millie's 3rd birthday on the 21st (we celebrated Bridger's superhero 7th birthday on Dec. 16th).  We had just had a big snow storm so we went sledding all day for her birthday topping the day off with a birthday/Christmas celebration at our good neighbors, the Lindley's.  That was a fun day.  Dec. 22, the girls and I, along with two cousins, decided to go ice skating.  They all did great.  Millie used a little ice walker freeing me up to take video and pictures.  Finished the day off with a trip to BYU bookstore and dinner with Granna.  It was a busy and quite fulfilling few days.  I know I was packing in the activities knowing I would be out of commission for the next few days.  Well worth it.
     Chemo day came Dec. 23rd.  I was ready.  Brendon's mom, my daughters, Brinley and Bailey, and my sister, Brandalee all joined me in support for my 5th chemo session.  They hooked my port up and drew blood.  Soon after I met with Dr. Bott.  We talked about my health.  Turns out my body is NOT in  good shape to receive the chemo right now.  The concern is my platelet and red blood cell levels.  I learned a few things.  I've been so focused on the white blood cell levels (the affects on my immune system) that I didn't realize that chemo is really affecting my platelet levels, the bone marrow, which is what controls the clotting of my blood.  I am at 43 and the target level needs to be 130-440.  My red blood cell level is low as well.  Everything is low which is to be expected to a certain extent but if levels are too low, it can be dangerous to proceed.   It is a reminder how brutal chemo is on our body.  I tried to protest exclaiming that I feel just fine.  But Dr. Bott reminded me that I do not want to end up with spontaneous bleeding inside and land in the hospital.  I have to admit that I was bummed.  I was mentally prepared and all planned for the next week of yuckiness.  This now pushes everything back one week and I just want to be done.  But then I remembered what a Christmas miracle this is!  Now I was able to feel fantastic for Christmas which I am so grateful for.  It WAS hard to walk out of there with STILL 2 chemo treatments left  but it has been a wonderful time with my kids and husband and I don't take that for granted at all!  We had Christmas Eve with my in-laws and Christmas Day dinner with my parents.  My mother-in-law, Judi had someone make awesome pajamas with the breast cancer ribbon and hearts pattern for all the girls in the family,  So darling and thoughtful!  We love them!
     So now, chemo will be this week, Dec. 30 just in time for Jaxson's 14th birthday on Dec. 31. (yes, that is 3 of our children with December birthdays.  That's how we roll around here).   We will be welcoming a New Year full of hope, only 1 chemo left and so much gratitude for life!  Thank you to amazing family and well wishers at this Christmas season.  We are especially thankful to remember the birth of our Savior.  It has been a very Merry Christmas!!!

#5 "fake" treatment support group
Judi (mom-in-law), daughters Bailey & Brinley

sister, Brandalee at #5 fake chemo

Christmas FHE with Gpa and Gma Dayton

Millie's 3rd birthday

Sledding for Millies 3rd Birthday

Christmas story at the Lindley's

DeLayne and my girls in our new Christmas PJ's

Jaxson, Brinley, Bailey, Bridger, Olivia, Millie in 2010 Christmass PJ's

#5 real chemo treatment support group--My mom, Jaxson (my son), Tricia (my sister-in-law)

#5 real chemo treatment

After chemo treatment with sister, Lareen, her daughter, Bethany, and sis-in-law, Tricia

Family Night at Temple Square

Dec. 13 our family went up to stay at the Kimball hotel with my sister Charalece and her family.  We met at Crown Burger, kind of a tradition to eat there.  Yummy food but soon discovered not so good for my tummy during this time of my life.  I have learned I have to be careful with a few things I eat.  Greasy stuff especially.  We then returned to the hotel and walked down to temple square to see the Christmas lights.  It was a really fun night and very calm weather.  We spent the night at the hotel with kids sleeping everywhere.  Fun memory with cousins.  Slept in the next morning and took the kids to school just a little late.  We don't do that often but thought it would be a fun get away and Christmas memory.  Loved it!
     Dec. 15th Jaxson rocked out with his friend, John on their guitars duuring lunch hour at their Jr. High for "Battle of the Bands."  They call themselves "The Band."  They were awesome and are really good.  I was so happy to be there cheering him on with John's parents, Hollie and John.  We bought Jaxson his new guitar for Chritmas and gave it to him a little early so he could maximize his rock out!  Well done!

Dayton kids at Temple Square in SLC

Jaxson (left) and John--"The Band"

4th Chemo

My 4th Chemo was on Dec. 3, 2010.  All went well and normal.  After checking my blood they determined my levels to be low but that is expected and so they proceeded with the chemo.  I have a little singing group of just under 40 kids and our 1st performance was that very same night at the Festival of Trees.  Somehow when I scheduled the performance way back in the summer I didn't plan on cancer and chemo fell right on the same day as the Festival.  What do ya do? You just do it.  Chemo makes me feel quite yucky and tired right on the initial day so I was a bit worried about maybe getting a rest in before the night.  Turns out that wasn't to be.  With 5 of my own kids to get ready and making sure we got there in plenty of time, no rest was allowed.  I did not feel well but it turned out to be the best thing for me.  What a great distraction.  I didn't have time to focus on how lousy I was feeling.  I was able to focus on those great kids and all their families who came to watch and support.  Those kids were incredible!  They performed better than I have ever seen.  It was a blast to be a part of and I love them all!  I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to teach them a few Christmas songs to perform.  So Fun!  And of course the Festival of Trees is such an amazing event with a wonderful spirit of giving and love there.  My little group has performed a few more times this Christmas season but that Festival of Trees was our best.  I teared up in gratitude for a chance to be there and watch all their hard work performed so darling.  It was a blast!
     This 4th round of chemo was awful as expected but not as bad as the 3rd.  Just the normal bad week with two good weeks to follow.  It seems to take just a little more each time to get my giddy-yup back but it eventually comes and I continue trottin' again.  Once again, I am convinced the prayers of family and friends are heard by the Lord who has blessed our family with great days.  I have also been so grateful to one of my best friends since childhood, Ali Rae, who has made the effort before each chemo to take me to the temple with her.  My sister, Charalece, came this last time as well and we had such a great , peaceful experience.  We were reminded by the sealer that we go to the temple out of obedience and service, to renew the Holy Ghost in us, and now the Lord would consecrate our performance.  (2 Nephi 32:9).  We all left a little teary-eyed feeling the spirit witness that truth to us. It was a Good day.  

Thoughts

Had a fantastic thanksgiving with great people, lots of noisy kids,  and great food!!I have had some really great days since the chemo #3.  That was a tough one.  My dad explained to me that by the 3rd round my body's immune system is at it's very low and just has no fight left whatsoever so chemo's negative effects were more severe.  More nausea than ever, more debilitating fatigue.  Brendon was amazing.  During my worst day he ran our children here, there, and everywhere to get them where they needed to be.  It was absolutely crazy and I was helpless.  I do love him.  Family took over keeping our kids for overnighters in order to keep me free of illness.  Neighbors brought meals. Bless them all.  I have to say, it was quiet around here.  Normally that would be dreamy for a tired mom who may need a break but, though necessary, I was lonely and discouraged to be laying around feeling helpless, useless, ill and utterly, depressingly fatigued.  It is not in my nature and I do not like it.  Maybe this next round I will watch some uplifting Christmas shows to keep the spirits high.  I find myself anxious going in for chemo 4 this thurs. Dec.2.  Had a bit of a meltdown last night.  Brendon stopped what he was doing and just listened to me.  So great.  Knowing what's coming doesn't help and I sense that feeling of dread build up in me.  I also feel such pressure to get everything done beforehand knowing that I will be out of commission for a week or so.  Crazy, I know.  That doesn't seem like too many days but I feel like I just can't keep up with everything going on right now.  I am constantly playing catch up.  My kids activities, my  church calling, our families, scheduled appointments, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, and all the little things that come our way.  I lose touch with life outside myself.  But it will all work out.  The Lord has blessed me in ways that I know are personally for me.  I believe that.  We will get done what needs to be and the rest can deal with it.  Good days are ahead.  I do love eggnog and yummy breakfasts.  Some things to be grateful for.  Loves and Besos

Chemo #3

Chemo #3 brutal.  Am I too old to cry out for my mommy?  Tough weekend.  Worse than the first two chemos.  Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this.  Either I think of it as 3 down, half way done-YEAH! or.... I really just CAN'T do this three more times.  But I know when this week is over I will have some really great days to strengthen my gumption to gear up and do it again.  Thanksgiving should be good!  In the meantime, please pass quickly yucky chemo week.  I miss me.

Cancer Kindness

I often marvel at the realization that it has really only been about 2 months since the start of this crazy cancer adventure.  That is not very long to digest and wrap my brain around all that I have experienced and learned.  How life can come to a hault so quickly.  And yet I have gone through such an ordeal beyond what I could have ever imagined.  There is something I have noticed.  I feel me coming back to life slowly as I recover from my initial surgery.  I've been out and about more.  The love and concern from my dear  neighbors, friends, family who are women is always there and I can understand their support.  What has surprised me is the love and concern from the husbands of neighbors, friends, and family AND from total strangers.  When I walk down the hall at church or through my neighborhood, I am stopped by wonderful well wishers who do not pass quickly.  They stop and really talk to me with genuine concern in their eyes.  Heartfelt questions are asked on how I am holding up.  People hug me, hold my hand, pat my shoulder and listen.  Strangers feel an instant connection to me and want to be extra helpful in whatever I need.  One experience is especially memorable for me that happened this week. I was at a kiosk in the middle of the mall trying on a new hat.  I had taken my hat off to try the new one on.  My hair is just about gone and I look baldy.  A stranger quickly walked by me and comment, "You look really cute in that hat and you look really good without the hat too."  I was taken aback but managed to throw out a thank you as she disappeared.  So that's what it feels like....to receive a compliment out of the blue by a complete stranger and know they really mean it.  I like to do that to others because I always think that I would want to know if someone thought something nice about me.  Now I was on the receiving end and IT FEELS GREAT!  She may not know but she made my day, helping me feel a bit more confident.  Cancer really does bring out great kindness and compassion in others.   Compliment someone today for ANY reason at all.  It is a great feeling and you never know the good you can do!

Chemo brain

I have turned dumb....pretty dumb.
Somebody explained it to me.  It's called "chemo brain."  Happy to know it's not just me.  I knew there would be nausea, sickness, pain, etc. but I did not know I'd get dumb.  Chemo brain is a general foggy, fuzzy brain that can't seem to think right.  I do not retain information like before.  Difficulty with organization.  I often cannot think of a word I need to say so something random comes out instead.  I forget a lot.  I never get my children's names straight (well honestly, that was an issue before--I have 6 of them for heavens sake and there's a bunch of "B" ones).  I have trouble remembering past experiences.  I've had my issues before for I know I'm not the brightest bunch in the group (don't get me started on that Geography stuff) but this is really different and it is strange.  We just laugh about it.  Oh well, at least I've still got my health....Oh yeah, well at least I still have my good looks....Okay... that may be debatable--in fact I just had to ask my husband how to spell debatable.  Yeah, I can't spell anymore either.  Chemo brain at work.  Oh well, I know I got something...I just can't make my brain think of what it is right now.:)

Head Shaving Party!

Here we go....

Tonight I decided to go ahead and shave my head.  This was a hard decision for me.  I still have a lot of hair.  In fact, Dr. Bott couldn't believe I still had so much hair.  Same with the ladies at chemo.  The good thing is that my hair is already so short.   But, it is falling out like crazy.  It is shedding all over my pillow and comes out with great ease just running my hands through it.  I have to blow dry it over the bath tub to catch the falling hair but it still gets everywhere.   Now my scalp is quite tender as well.  It feels like someone is pulling my hair with a sunburned scalp.  Not very pleasant.  So, I figured it was about time. I knew some family wanted to be there for the whole freak show hair shaving thing so I decided to make a little party out of it.  I ordered some breast cancer pink ribbon donuts specially made and dipped in pink frosting and had pink and chocolate milk.  I was committed.  However, as people began to show they too couldn't believe how much hair I still had.  I started second guessing myself thinking maybe I should just go as long as I can and keep my hair.  But I already got the donuts, people were coming, plans were made.  What do I do now?  I recognize now a little bit of panic to the upcoming change going on.  I had to remind myself how much hair was coming out and what a mess it was making everywhere.  I was ready to do this.  I let anyone who wanted to come and tug out my hair.  It is quite fascinating how easy it pulls out.  A little freaky buy funny too.   Bit of a sensitive head but not too bad.  Mostly just kids who took me up on that.  Brendon got a good 'ol yank.  I felt that.   And then, with family, friends, and neighbors, and lots of wide-eyed kids gathered round, Brendon began the shave.  We decided to have a little fun so he shaved the sides first leaving me with a sweet mohawk for a picture or two.   Then it all came off.  Just a buzz.  Little by little.  Buffy, my sister-in-law and my personal greatest hairdresser, helped to clean in up a bit and shave the pink ribbon symbol in my hair.  I was feeling pretty good about everything, Ok....slightly freaked, but I was holding it together well until I looked up and saw my dad's face as he began to tear up.  And then, I lost it too.  The water works began to fall.  I wasn't really sad as much as  maybe just reacting to the whole change of everything.  The love and support of this whole group of people was overwhelming to me.  I was a bit embarrassed as they all stood in a semi circle around me with their anxious expressions.  But, when it was all over and done with, the compliments flew.  So much support and love and wonderful expressions given.  I decided that is why we include people in our moments of trial and difficulties.  I was filled with love and confidence from all.  Although, I did wonder many times what was REALLY going through their heads (like...."what has she done?" or "Oh, the horror of it all!").  I felt like a celebrity with all the flashing lights from their cameras to capture the crazy moments.  All in all, I can't believe I did it, it feels different, but good and I am OK with this change.  Just another part of this whole cancer process.  I am confident that is because of such amazing support and love from everyone.  Thank you for taking your Friday night plans to spend it with us.  Finished the night off by going to a movie with Kenn and Allison and the kids.  What a great night for me.  So good to laugh and feel happy!

pulling out my hair--oooo, so fun!

Baldy love!

yummy donut treats

my best look yet

who do I look take more like now?  love u mom & dad!

love my Bluth sissy's!

Love my Dayton sissy's!

mugshot skin head club members

2nd Chemo Treatment

Today was my 2nd Chemo treatment.  Earlier this week I cried in anxious anticipation for today knowing full well what is coming.  Actually, I expected worse after talking with a few people who have gone through it themselves which, of course, only heightened my anxiety even though I am glad to be maybe a little better prepared.  I have felt so good these past few days that I feel sad to lose that and nervous for what may hit.  However, today, I have felt calm.  Ok, honestly I was a bit chatty and wandered around all morning trying to stay busy.  I could sense a bit of nervousness.  Today Brendon, my sister Lareen, and my good friend Michaun Muir came to support me during chemo.  We went in at 11am, waited for a bit, got my port hooked up, then saw Dr. Bott.  He is really wonderful.  Everything looks fine and on track.  He really put some of my concerns to rest, reminding me that everyone reacts differently to chemo and are on different chemo meds so it is difficult to make specific comparisons.  After meeting with him, they hooked me up.  The medication round is, first, the anti-nausea drug, then Benadryl which helps counter any allergic reactions to the chemo drugs.  This drug always knocks me out and makes me feel woosey.  I no likey.  Then the Taxotere chemo med starts followed by Carboplatinum and then finished off with Herceptin.  Each one takes a certain amount of time to complete.  The whole appointment time lasted 4 hours but the actual chemo treatment was about 3 hours.  Better than last time.  Once the affects of the Benadryl wore off a bit I was pretty alert and enjoyed visiting with Lareen and Michaun while Brendon did some appraisal work.  He usually sits and observes quietly.  I am so glad to have a support system come with me.  It puts me at ease and makes it much more pleasant.  Thanks for spending your time with me!  Have made some friends at chemo too and always glad for the friendship and support of Linda Shattuck, her daughter and Jill Olsen.  Linda had her last treatment.  She has been very helpful to me and I am grateful for that.  Thanks to my other sister, Charalece for bringing us lunch.  Turned out to be a much better experience than my first chemo.  Almost as enjoyable as chemo could be!:)  I drove home feeling good and calm, that everything would be fine.  I can tackle this, at least I will try to be brave.

My awesome chemo support group

Went home and slept most of the day away. A little yucky in the tummy and really tired but functionable.  So grateful to be feeling pretty good.

Michaun, me, Lareen

Gestures of empahty

I feel so great today.  Cooked chicken noodle soup and got my three youngest ready for the ward primary Halloween party, along with myself.  Yes, I LOVE to dress up and it is quite silly.  I bought a red devil's costume on a super sale last year just for fun.  I wore that (sorry Heavenly Father--I still totally CTR!).  Our ward is amazing and the kids are fantastic.  I was able to sit with the awesome Beehives to handle the face painting tables.  So cute.  I was full of happiness and energy.  Really crashed with exhaustion when I got home but perked up again with a visit from our good neighbor/friend and my great nephew and nieces, Lindon, Brittany, and Kelly who brought a yummy peach cobbler and ice cream.  They made me laugh.  Good to feel happy and feel a little more calm the night before chemo.  My kids were awesome and looked adorable and I love being with them and Brendon.  My most favorite part of the evening was talking with my good neighbors Jen Franke and her son, Jason who went through cancer and chemo etc. as a young boy.  He is now a handsome teenager.  We spoke a bit about his experience and how his mother felt about it too.  As Jason was on his way out he made sure to come over to me, take my hand and wish me good luck tomorrow with my chemo.  He had the most sincere, honest, humble, genuine look on his face.  I was absolutely taken aback. So appreciative.  His tumor was on the back of his brain and he was just a kid.  I know what he went through was far worse than I but his mom said it does not matter.  Cancer is awful for anyone.  This is true.  Still, his small gesture, as one who really knows so well and offers such empathy, absolutely pierced my heart and I felt so grateful for him.  It really calmed my spirit.  I always had a soft spot in my heart for that kid.  The first time I watched him pass the sacrament after all he had been through brought tears to my eyes.  Who knew how years later we'd be connected.  We are in the cancer club together now.  You never know how our experiences can help to buoy up another in a time of need.  Thanks Jason.  Thanks to everyone who has shown love and concern on my behalf.

Well and whole

One of my greatest friends when I was a kid and still now, Ali, called me up to go to the temple with her this morning.  We went to perform initiatories.  I am so grateful for the blessings promised us.  I am grateful for the peace and calm wellness I felt there.  I am grateful for the reminder.  So good to talk with you, Ali.  We have some great empathy for one another's struggles.  Strengthened me a lot.  This was something I needed as I am heading into my 2nd chemo round this Thrus.  I have heard a lot of terrible things about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th treatments.  I don't know what to expect.  I am so grateful for this time around where I felt almost normal and was free of nausea, pain, and could function and feel happy.  I have described it like standing in the middle of the road, knowing a huge truck is coming around the corner fast and I cannot step out of the way.  So I just wait there and worry how much it will hurt.  I know I have to have chemo.  It's just not knowing what to expect the few days after but knowing it will hurt.  But each day I feel good is such a blessing that I am trying harder to be very present in my life and not worry about what is inevitably on it's way.  Now that it is almost here, let's just do this thing and hunker down for a few days then get on with the happy, feeling good parts again.  Sometimes it overwhelms me but again, I look to concentrate on the now for now and thank the Lord EACH day MANY times a day for the chance to feel well and whole....ish.  That is great for now.

Smiles at walmart

Got up to feeling good today and decided I needed to keep my girls home with me.  My dearest neighbors have set up a rotation for my two youngest girls to go and play at different homes each day as I adjust to the side effects of chemo.  So gracious of them and I don't know what I would do each day without their support.  Plus my girls love it.  Anyway, I do miss them and I miss our normalcy at times.  So I had them with me and decided I would venture to Walmart for the first time grocery shopping since August.  Brendon and moms have been wonderful to help.  It was time for me to tackle it again.  I found myself smiling through the aisles with my cute girls.  I dare say I may have skipped a time or two.So happy to be grocery shopping and feeling normal again.  With the exception that I was occasionally worried about germs.  Yes, I have turned into that kind of a worrier.  Still, I find myself quite content to be living my life.  And cooking again.  Two soups on the menu this week.  Sure has been nice to have meals brought in and one less thing to stress about but my ward sisters need a break from time to time.   This will be a long process.  Happy Walmart shopping with your kids to all!

Hair loss anxiety dreams

I know I will lose my hair.  My doctors gave me no hope or indication contrary to this.  I'm Ok with this.  Very much so.  I know it is all part of the process and it will grow back, I'm pretty sure, more illustrious and ever flowing than before.  However, my subconscious is obviously thinking about as I had a dream  This was my dream.....Hair began to come out in clumps.  Called Brendon and said maybe it was time to shave it off.  Word got out and all of a sudden, the whole neighborhood begins showing up like zombies hanging around for me to shave it.  I told them it was not happening today since I still have hair sticking.  They came back again the next day, people selling things, the streets blocked off.  It was like a carnival crowd waiting for the freak show.  I barricaded myself in my house.  Looked out the window to see one little neighbor girl, Jocelyn Bybee, had started to shave the top of her hair in support of me only to find I was not doing it yet so she looked like a clown with a shaved top and flowing hair mid head down.  She was not happy with me.  It was a very stressful situation and I woke up from this dream feeling very pressured.  Yes, people do ask if I am losing my hair yet.  It's only been a week.  Cut me some slack.  I see more hairs lost on Brendon's pillow than on my own.  Now THAT is worrisome.  Poor guy.  I do feel that pressure, though.  What if it doesn't come out and everyone is so disappointed?!:)  Doctors told us between day 14-17.  Oh, it's a comin' folks and it's gonna be sweet!  Brush up on your billiard ball jokes cause I gotta laugh so I won't cry.  It's a comin' and it's gonna be a beaut!

Welcome to Germophobia-land

Started feeling good one week after chemo only to catch a not so lovely cold from 3 of my kids who got ill over the weekend.  Or maybe it was from going to the BYU game on Saturday but it couldn't have been from there because we won!  Anyway, it's miserable but not sure how to avoid get sick when my immune system is shot and I do have these 6 little things living in my home--my kids.  Kids are disgusting, let's just be honest here.  Suddenly I am forced into the germaphobia world of which I was quite foreign too but am now their biggest supporter.  I am suddenly aware of germ targets everywhere.  I gotta stay healthy as possible during these chemo days.  How to do that is the question.  Well, we are washing up and germXing up and covering mouths and lysoling down and cleaning.  The only thing I have not done yet is completely secluded myself from all life force.  Not sure I can do that.  Anyway, I now welcome me to this club as well.   And thanks Dad, for al the supplies.  We are loaded up with the defenses.  AhhhhChooooo...gimmee germX!