Head Shaving Party!

Here we go....

Tonight I decided to go ahead and shave my head.  This was a hard decision for me.  I still have a lot of hair.  In fact, Dr. Bott couldn't believe I still had so much hair.  Same with the ladies at chemo.  The good thing is that my hair is already so short.   But, it is falling out like crazy.  It is shedding all over my pillow and comes out with great ease just running my hands through it.  I have to blow dry it over the bath tub to catch the falling hair but it still gets everywhere.   Now my scalp is quite tender as well.  It feels like someone is pulling my hair with a sunburned scalp.  Not very pleasant.  So, I figured it was about time. I knew some family wanted to be there for the whole freak show hair shaving thing so I decided to make a little party out of it.  I ordered some breast cancer pink ribbon donuts specially made and dipped in pink frosting and had pink and chocolate milk.  I was committed.  However, as people began to show they too couldn't believe how much hair I still had.  I started second guessing myself thinking maybe I should just go as long as I can and keep my hair.  But I already got the donuts, people were coming, plans were made.  What do I do now?  I recognize now a little bit of panic to the upcoming change going on.  I had to remind myself how much hair was coming out and what a mess it was making everywhere.  I was ready to do this.  I let anyone who wanted to come and tug out my hair.  It is quite fascinating how easy it pulls out.  A little freaky buy funny too.   Bit of a sensitive head but not too bad.  Mostly just kids who took me up on that.  Brendon got a good 'ol yank.  I felt that.   And then, with family, friends, and neighbors, and lots of wide-eyed kids gathered round, Brendon began the shave.  We decided to have a little fun so he shaved the sides first leaving me with a sweet mohawk for a picture or two.   Then it all came off.  Just a buzz.  Little by little.  Buffy, my sister-in-law and my personal greatest hairdresser, helped to clean in up a bit and shave the pink ribbon symbol in my hair.  I was feeling pretty good about everything, Ok....slightly freaked, but I was holding it together well until I looked up and saw my dad's face as he began to tear up.  And then, I lost it too.  The water works began to fall.  I wasn't really sad as much as  maybe just reacting to the whole change of everything.  The love and support of this whole group of people was overwhelming to me.  I was a bit embarrassed as they all stood in a semi circle around me with their anxious expressions.  But, when it was all over and done with, the compliments flew.  So much support and love and wonderful expressions given.  I decided that is why we include people in our moments of trial and difficulties.  I was filled with love and confidence from all.  Although, I did wonder many times what was REALLY going through their heads (like...."what has she done?" or "Oh, the horror of it all!").  I felt like a celebrity with all the flashing lights from their cameras to capture the crazy moments.  All in all, I can't believe I did it, it feels different, but good and I am OK with this change.  Just another part of this whole cancer process.  I am confident that is because of such amazing support and love from everyone.  Thank you for taking your Friday night plans to spend it with us.  Finished the night off by going to a movie with Kenn and Allison and the kids.  What a great night for me.  So good to laugh and feel happy!

pulling out my hair--oooo, so fun!

Baldy love!

yummy donut treats

my best look yet

who do I look take more like now?  love u mom & dad!

love my Bluth sissy's!

Love my Dayton sissy's!

mugshot skin head club members

2nd Chemo Treatment

Today was my 2nd Chemo treatment.  Earlier this week I cried in anxious anticipation for today knowing full well what is coming.  Actually, I expected worse after talking with a few people who have gone through it themselves which, of course, only heightened my anxiety even though I am glad to be maybe a little better prepared.  I have felt so good these past few days that I feel sad to lose that and nervous for what may hit.  However, today, I have felt calm.  Ok, honestly I was a bit chatty and wandered around all morning trying to stay busy.  I could sense a bit of nervousness.  Today Brendon, my sister Lareen, and my good friend Michaun Muir came to support me during chemo.  We went in at 11am, waited for a bit, got my port hooked up, then saw Dr. Bott.  He is really wonderful.  Everything looks fine and on track.  He really put some of my concerns to rest, reminding me that everyone reacts differently to chemo and are on different chemo meds so it is difficult to make specific comparisons.  After meeting with him, they hooked me up.  The medication round is, first, the anti-nausea drug, then Benadryl which helps counter any allergic reactions to the chemo drugs.  This drug always knocks me out and makes me feel woosey.  I no likey.  Then the Taxotere chemo med starts followed by Carboplatinum and then finished off with Herceptin.  Each one takes a certain amount of time to complete.  The whole appointment time lasted 4 hours but the actual chemo treatment was about 3 hours.  Better than last time.  Once the affects of the Benadryl wore off a bit I was pretty alert and enjoyed visiting with Lareen and Michaun while Brendon did some appraisal work.  He usually sits and observes quietly.  I am so glad to have a support system come with me.  It puts me at ease and makes it much more pleasant.  Thanks for spending your time with me!  Have made some friends at chemo too and always glad for the friendship and support of Linda Shattuck, her daughter and Jill Olsen.  Linda had her last treatment.  She has been very helpful to me and I am grateful for that.  Thanks to my other sister, Charalece for bringing us lunch.  Turned out to be a much better experience than my first chemo.  Almost as enjoyable as chemo could be!:)  I drove home feeling good and calm, that everything would be fine.  I can tackle this, at least I will try to be brave.

My awesome chemo support group

Went home and slept most of the day away. A little yucky in the tummy and really tired but functionable.  So grateful to be feeling pretty good.

Michaun, me, Lareen

Gestures of empahty

I feel so great today.  Cooked chicken noodle soup and got my three youngest ready for the ward primary Halloween party, along with myself.  Yes, I LOVE to dress up and it is quite silly.  I bought a red devil's costume on a super sale last year just for fun.  I wore that (sorry Heavenly Father--I still totally CTR!).  Our ward is amazing and the kids are fantastic.  I was able to sit with the awesome Beehives to handle the face painting tables.  So cute.  I was full of happiness and energy.  Really crashed with exhaustion when I got home but perked up again with a visit from our good neighbor/friend and my great nephew and nieces, Lindon, Brittany, and Kelly who brought a yummy peach cobbler and ice cream.  They made me laugh.  Good to feel happy and feel a little more calm the night before chemo.  My kids were awesome and looked adorable and I love being with them and Brendon.  My most favorite part of the evening was talking with my good neighbors Jen Franke and her son, Jason who went through cancer and chemo etc. as a young boy.  He is now a handsome teenager.  We spoke a bit about his experience and how his mother felt about it too.  As Jason was on his way out he made sure to come over to me, take my hand and wish me good luck tomorrow with my chemo.  He had the most sincere, honest, humble, genuine look on his face.  I was absolutely taken aback. So appreciative.  His tumor was on the back of his brain and he was just a kid.  I know what he went through was far worse than I but his mom said it does not matter.  Cancer is awful for anyone.  This is true.  Still, his small gesture, as one who really knows so well and offers such empathy, absolutely pierced my heart and I felt so grateful for him.  It really calmed my spirit.  I always had a soft spot in my heart for that kid.  The first time I watched him pass the sacrament after all he had been through brought tears to my eyes.  Who knew how years later we'd be connected.  We are in the cancer club together now.  You never know how our experiences can help to buoy up another in a time of need.  Thanks Jason.  Thanks to everyone who has shown love and concern on my behalf.

Well and whole

One of my greatest friends when I was a kid and still now, Ali, called me up to go to the temple with her this morning.  We went to perform initiatories.  I am so grateful for the blessings promised us.  I am grateful for the peace and calm wellness I felt there.  I am grateful for the reminder.  So good to talk with you, Ali.  We have some great empathy for one another's struggles.  Strengthened me a lot.  This was something I needed as I am heading into my 2nd chemo round this Thrus.  I have heard a lot of terrible things about the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th treatments.  I don't know what to expect.  I am so grateful for this time around where I felt almost normal and was free of nausea, pain, and could function and feel happy.  I have described it like standing in the middle of the road, knowing a huge truck is coming around the corner fast and I cannot step out of the way.  So I just wait there and worry how much it will hurt.  I know I have to have chemo.  It's just not knowing what to expect the few days after but knowing it will hurt.  But each day I feel good is such a blessing that I am trying harder to be very present in my life and not worry about what is inevitably on it's way.  Now that it is almost here, let's just do this thing and hunker down for a few days then get on with the happy, feeling good parts again.  Sometimes it overwhelms me but again, I look to concentrate on the now for now and thank the Lord EACH day MANY times a day for the chance to feel well and whole....ish.  That is great for now.

Smiles at walmart

Got up to feeling good today and decided I needed to keep my girls home with me.  My dearest neighbors have set up a rotation for my two youngest girls to go and play at different homes each day as I adjust to the side effects of chemo.  So gracious of them and I don't know what I would do each day without their support.  Plus my girls love it.  Anyway, I do miss them and I miss our normalcy at times.  So I had them with me and decided I would venture to Walmart for the first time grocery shopping since August.  Brendon and moms have been wonderful to help.  It was time for me to tackle it again.  I found myself smiling through the aisles with my cute girls.  I dare say I may have skipped a time or two.So happy to be grocery shopping and feeling normal again.  With the exception that I was occasionally worried about germs.  Yes, I have turned into that kind of a worrier.  Still, I find myself quite content to be living my life.  And cooking again.  Two soups on the menu this week.  Sure has been nice to have meals brought in and one less thing to stress about but my ward sisters need a break from time to time.   This will be a long process.  Happy Walmart shopping with your kids to all!

Hair loss anxiety dreams

I know I will lose my hair.  My doctors gave me no hope or indication contrary to this.  I'm Ok with this.  Very much so.  I know it is all part of the process and it will grow back, I'm pretty sure, more illustrious and ever flowing than before.  However, my subconscious is obviously thinking about as I had a dream  This was my dream.....Hair began to come out in clumps.  Called Brendon and said maybe it was time to shave it off.  Word got out and all of a sudden, the whole neighborhood begins showing up like zombies hanging around for me to shave it.  I told them it was not happening today since I still have hair sticking.  They came back again the next day, people selling things, the streets blocked off.  It was like a carnival crowd waiting for the freak show.  I barricaded myself in my house.  Looked out the window to see one little neighbor girl, Jocelyn Bybee, had started to shave the top of her hair in support of me only to find I was not doing it yet so she looked like a clown with a shaved top and flowing hair mid head down.  She was not happy with me.  It was a very stressful situation and I woke up from this dream feeling very pressured.  Yes, people do ask if I am losing my hair yet.  It's only been a week.  Cut me some slack.  I see more hairs lost on Brendon's pillow than on my own.  Now THAT is worrisome.  Poor guy.  I do feel that pressure, though.  What if it doesn't come out and everyone is so disappointed?!:)  Doctors told us between day 14-17.  Oh, it's a comin' folks and it's gonna be sweet!  Brush up on your billiard ball jokes cause I gotta laugh so I won't cry.  It's a comin' and it's gonna be a beaut!

Welcome to Germophobia-land

Started feeling good one week after chemo only to catch a not so lovely cold from 3 of my kids who got ill over the weekend.  Or maybe it was from going to the BYU game on Saturday but it couldn't have been from there because we won!  Anyway, it's miserable but not sure how to avoid get sick when my immune system is shot and I do have these 6 little things living in my home--my kids.  Kids are disgusting, let's just be honest here.  Suddenly I am forced into the germaphobia world of which I was quite foreign too but am now their biggest supporter.  I am suddenly aware of germ targets everywhere.  I gotta stay healthy as possible during these chemo days.  How to do that is the question.  Well, we are washing up and germXing up and covering mouths and lysoling down and cleaning.  The only thing I have not done yet is completely secluded myself from all life force.  Not sure I can do that.  Anyway, I now welcome me to this club as well.   And thanks Dad, for al the supplies.  We are loaded up with the defenses.  AhhhhChooooo...gimmee germX!

The wrath of chemo

It was my understanding that the day of and after chemo I would feel fairly OK and the effects of the chemo medications would hit about the third day.  How true that was.  Brendon and I even went out to eat with his BYU work crew at Texas Roadhouse on Fri. night.  So delicious but I sure paid for that chose of food the next day.  Saturday...it all hit.  I woke up ready for General Conference and feeling pretty good.  Decided to fold a little laundry.  I thought to myself that just maybe my experience may be better than others and I might not react too badly to this chemo deal.  I spoke too soo.  About one hour 1/2 later I was doubled over in horrific pain and nausea.  It was a miserable feeling.  Bone and muscle pain, constant trips to the restroom, and just an overwhelming yucky feeling.  I remember Elder Edgley talking about have faith and courage through trials, that some of his most difficult trails became his best learning experiences and where he found joy.  Something like that cause I was in and out of the room trying to deal with the pain.  But I remember feeling frustrated that I did not have enough faith and was not finding any joy at the moment.  I'll have to read his talk later when I am in a happier place.  Conference was absolutely comforting but I sure was miserable for those two days.  Mon. did not lighten up much but I remember the debilitating fatigue that hit.  I just did not want to do A thing.  Couldn't do a thing.  I laid on my bed hardly able to pick up my head.  I had no giddy-up in my saddle.  No zippidy in my doo-dah.  I really miss me.  It was depressing to feel that way.  I felt exhausted tues but got up on wed. to take a little walk only to be exhausted again that afternoon.  The nausea just sticks around the whole time but it is manageable.  I just feel crummy.  But, Thurs. came and Yippee I felt great just like that.  So about 1 week or less or miserable 'aint too bad if I can enjoy some days of wonderful.  Crazy journey!