Reality sets in

Today has been my toughest and the biggest reality check of all.  We met with Dr. Tittensor who will be my surgeon to remove the tumor.  After checking me out she sat down with us to explain our two options.  We could choose a lumpectomy which means to simply remove the lump, and follow up with radiation as long as the lymph nodes are clear of any cancer.  With my diagnosis of ductal carceonoma insitu this is what we expected--fairly low maintenance, no big deal, get in there and snip, snip and get on with it.  Our second choice was to have a mastectomy done on the left breast which would also test the nodes and is usually accompanied by chemotherapy and radiation.  I half listened to that part until she said that the mastectomy route is what she recommended for my situation due to the size of my tumor.  She contuinued to explain the procedures when I suddenly felt huge tears welling up and falling from my eyes.  I was in complete shock.  Shock, shock shock.  That had not crossed my mind for one second.  I remember thinking "isn't a mastectomy what older people do?"  It felt so drastic to me.  I sat in stunned silence while Brendon asked question after question.  Although emotional himself, he had his wits about him enough to find out information we needed to proceed and make the best decision.  I sat there thinking and questioning my doctor if she thought I should have done something about my lump earlier and beating myself up for not listening to my body better and being more concerned.  Maybe we could have caught this earlier when it had not grown so big where a lumpectomy could have been done instead.  Why had I lived with this for under a year instead of becoming more poractive in my health.  She told me I cannot play the "what if" game because we don't know when it all started and I did do just what I should have which was come in for a follow-up mammo.  Instead we need to deal with the here and now.  Is this seriously my life right now?  Am I seriously a cancer patient facing a mastectomy and all that comes with it?  We were comforted by our Dr.'s confidence and optimism in our situation and how she could help us.  She is the most wonderful person and we have heard such amazing things about her abilities as a surgeon.   I sat there and realized for the first time the severity of my situation.  Not really a "snip, snip" deal anymore but instead more like a "chop, chop."  I suppose my way of dealing with trials is to down play in order to cope.  "It's no big deal....it's all good" kinda mind frame.  I did not feel that way today.  The magnitude of it all hit me hard and I broke down with true saddness for the fist time.  So much to process.  We called my parents on the way home.  Up until now, my mom was sure I was in denial of my true feelings but today she got an earful as the floodgates opened.  The rest of this day has been spent on the phone with family, or with wonderful visitors who all just want to help in some way.  It is a shock to us all.  Tomorrow we meet with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Bishop, who works well with Dr. Tittensor.  We shall learn what to expect on the reconstruction route.  This is all happening so fast.  One thing is for sure...guess we won't be done with this thing by the end of the month afterall.:)  End of the year?  I am starting to realize that I am really not in control of anything right now.  I know that our biggest concern has to be getting rid of the cancer.  We continue to pray. So much wondeful support.