Anxious weekend

This past weekend was a rough on for me.  This weekend our kids were fanned out to relatives homes for some fun sleep overs (thank you Pratte family, Chris Dayton family, and my nieces, Brittany & Kelly) leaving Brendon and I alone for two "date nights" at home.  We thought we'd watch some movies and read and just relax.  Friday night turned out OK, went to bed late and had a nice visit with a sister and her husband.  Saturday was filled with a few fun soccer games and then we found ourselves alone again.  As night time approached, I found myself making myself busy with a bunch of nonesense.  When went to bed watching TV to tire us out but I could not sleep.  I felt so tired but let the hours pass as Brendon snored frequently beside me (I just knock him).  1 and 2 am didn't seem so bad but around 3:30 I started panicking.  So tired.  I just worried about everything.  Worried about the dark, the silence, if I would wake up, if I would be comfortable, if I would have pain in the morning, if I would fall asleep but wake up and not be able to fall asleep again, if I would get too hot or too cold, that there would be nothing on TV for me to watch and I'd have to sit with my thoughts.  There were too many thoughts and they would not go away.  And I repeatedly got up to use the restroom.  Anxious about upcoming appointments and scans and procedures.  At 4 am I knew I was in trouble.  Got up to walk around.  By 5:30am I was uncomfortable and officially freaking out.  I sat up and began to hysterically cry thus waking up Brendon.  I bolted out of my gorgeous room to escape what I felt to be so confining.  I had to get out of the house.  Cabin fever.  I cried and paced around majorly sleep deprived with hot sweats, ringing my hands wondering why I was freaking out as Brendon watched helplessly wondering how to help me.  We walked around the cul-de-sac while I tried to get myself together.  Attempted to go back in the house but it felt too hot abd boxed in.  I couldn't get it under control.  We attempted another walk a little farther just as the sky began to lighten and I freaked out about losing a whole nights sleep, knowing that could not be good for me.  Finally, utterly exhausted & having received a blessing from Brendon, I drifted off about 7:30am until about 9:30.
Sunday morning my dearest neighbor, Nancy and her friend Jack brought over a lovely brunch to eat out on our back patio.  It was so nice and a great change of pace and great conversation.  Spent the day walking around in a daze and sitting outside visiting with good neighbors.  The anxiety began as the sun started to set.  I recognized the useless busyness as I nonsensically began to pace.  The hot sweats and feelings of being boxed in and inability to even walk in my bedroom.  I knew I was in for another anxiety-filled night and I bean to cry.  Mom and Dad showed up to talk me through it and spend the night to offer their support and help.  Drifted in and out (mostly in) until I bolted at about 2:30 am.  Walked around cul-de-sac until Brendon came out to join only to be replaced by my greatest of a mother so that Brendon could get some sleep for his early work meeting.  We walked around, sat outside until we froze, talked until it got too hot, went back outside, read, and talked more.  She just stayed with me and tried to distract my mind....which I thought was going crazy.  Around 5:30 am I felt I was under control and so exhausted, sent mom to bed, and attempted to sleep.  What is wrong with me?  Get it together, DeLayne!  What is my problem?  Thoughts that went through my head.  About 1/2 later I almost bolted but knew that I needed sleep.  And then I realized that I have been trying to fix this very real issue of anxiety by myself...and I was failing.  I fell to my knees and cried my heart out to the Lord finally letting go of whatever control I was desperately clinging to and completely placing my fears upon the Lord.  I went to the restroom and within minutes felt an overwhelming exhaustion come over me to which I cold not fight and fell to sleep.  I awoke about two hours later at 730 am as my mom peeked in on me and shot my arms in the air exclaiming, "We did it!" relaying my experience.  I felt so triumphant and was so humbled to know the Lord had heard my pleas and had come to help me with such a silly thing.  It just didn't feel so silly at the time.
OK, so we realized that I was not getting better and my anxiety was here to stay.  I knew it would only get worse if we didn't get some sleep.  Called the nurse and they gave me a little sleeping pill to help.  Of course, taking a sleeping pill gave me anxiety, surprisingly enough.  I'm not big on medicine taker.  That brought about other crazy thoughts.  But I took it, it calmed me down and I fell into a sweet, deep sleep, so very needed.  Hooray.  After talking it through, having just been diagnosed with cancer, make a hard decision to do a double mastectomy, arrange my life, have the surgery, deal with a yucky recovery, try to process all the info coming in, and find the happiness somewhere in there, it was a heavy load and my mind and body sort of were trying to deal with it as well---all in just 3 weeks.  That's a trip.  Crazy stuff.  So thanks to the greatest husband and parents who walked me through this to the other side.  Two nights down of pleasant sleepy time.  So grateful for family and friends who allow me to ramble and work through my feelings.  It was a hard, hard weekend dealing with something I had never before--nobody less anxious than me.  I am confident this is an experience meant to teach me empathy for others and teach that I must include the Lord in my struggles.  Never has the scripture Matt. 11:28-30 applied so well to my life than now..."Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I wil give you rest"....etc.   Such tender mercies.  And oh how grateful I am to sleep.  NIghty, night.  Loves